Friday, February 29, 2008


Friday, February 29, 2008




Went to a meeting, I also have a new sponsor, and have a regular meeting my new sponsor suggested. I also left the bad housing suitution. and am going to work with my thrpsit on my co-dependency issues, social skills and being less attention whorish, I also am going to work on myself, loving myself and lairing to be happy.

I would like to keep in touch via, email. you did help me, I got off track with my co-dependency issues. my friend and I are still on good terms. I also am going to get back going to meetings daily. I went to the bank of America meeting on Monday. and my sponsor aerial who attends the marina dock, Monday womens meeting, who speaks highly of you.

I am sorry for draining, you and Know I have issues, I enjoyed working with you and would like to keep in touch, and am going to commit to start attending the marina dock meeting. and put myself, I liked the living situation but it was not healthy for my soberly, I have plans for a womens shelter tonight and I am taking care of myself, after 2 weeks of insanity, I need to listen more and I understand your choice and reasoning, I have even as young as I am helped and worked with and Had to let go of people I am working with. I have other issues I am dealing with and ariel can relate better, I think you are a wonderful person and sponsor, but I found a better fit. maybe at some time we can work together in the future, many years down the road.



I am going to get back to meetings daily, and I have a new "home group" that was suggested. My new sponsor is a Inter sexed person, who I have known ariel who goes to the Monday womens meeting at the marina dock. I think she knows you. I also left that bad suitution, the living suitably while better was not healthy to my recovery, but I am still on good terms with my friend.

I am going to discuss with my therapist today about new meds, and working on improving some of my anti-social behaviors, self-destructive and attention whoring. And dealing with my loneliness, depression and lack of meaning and presuppose.




I would like to keep in touch, but I understand you need space.


I talked to the folks, have some finical matters to take care of, a meeting, therapy, group and sleep tonight in a new place. I spoke to my divisibility doctor recently. I also did some of my paper work for school, picked up some of the money and took care of business and other affairs.


I did laundry this week, called the folks. I also took care of something back in Houston, not in revenge but in well sticking up for myself to late, there is someone I might sue civil matter given the criminal statuette of limitations ran out. Some folks who abused me, which I have plans to see justice.


I also let go faced more fears and insecurity, I also want to contact someone and ask to be welcomed but Know my welcome ran out, Or think it did. I admit things are not jolly fucking marry poppers, but I am at more peace, I am scared but I made the right choice even If I didn't do things the right way, sooner or later I need to go back and face my fears.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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Thursday, February 28, 2008

02/28/08



The truth is I am going to a meeting, the prozac as had me a bit moodly lately, talked to a friend RH who I spoke to. I composed some code, did some applications, cleaned the place, and ate ok. I also went walking a bit. And cut through more buracacry red tape, I also e-mailed the folks, updated the blog.


And watched angels of america last night with my friend, dreamed about a long ex and I have a crush or two, and also took a few photos today, saw one of my admirers and got hit on by 10 men today., and 2 women and another transgender.



I have a drs apointment, and a meeting later today in the castro. My friend lives near a meeting house, I also went out to mcdonalds with my friend last night off van ness. And contacted a few friends and old friends along nola, autin and az and nm for my flight back to NOLA to pick up my pickup truck and drive back before school starts in the fall at the collage.


I have to check my mailbox today, and a few other tasks. I also updated some of the code, and have an for the community here, and codeing.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Wednesday, February 27, 2008



The growth of myself, the rebirth of my spirtuallity chapter to interpersonal growth. I dream of runing so far away, I am afraid and now I face my fears, own phobias, remember what I want and what I had and know how I am going to get there.


Went to the clnic last night, made an apointment to set up the documents, I also have to publish a legal notice in the paper. I also downloaded some of the texas dps forms, harris county tax office forms and TX dot forms for bring my pickup truck into the state of califoronia, it is n longer in the lone star state.


I ran into some fellow texans in san francisco, and someone I was aquainaced with in san francisco. I did some job appliactions yesterday. I also plan to interveiw at a mom and pop place down near the other end of the island from downtown.


I composed a new chapter to some code, resorted some photos on thre web server and my laptop. Have some things to FTP, went to the post office yetsrday, picked up mail. E-mailed some photos and did some photoshoping. I also talked to a few friends from church, friends of Bill Wilson.


My friend was given meds for her problem. Formentioned yesterday in other posts. I also awoke ealry this morning. I composed some code and worked more on the san francisco transgender community, and removed a few spammer accounts. I went to my young single adult youth group. I am going to lunch soon, I also checked the weater and caught up on news in space city (Houston) and NOLA.


I also wrote a essay, defraged my computer, ran a antivirus sweep, spyware sweep. Read in the library last night with my friend. I also desgined a few image maps for leemcg.com a friend who runs a e-commerice and small business website wants me to do search engine ranking, and I called a few friends back in Space city.


I am going to fly out soon, maybe sooner than later. My therpist apointment is later this week in castro, a meeting is in order. I also ran into a old aquainace from the LDS church, from houston while in the emergency room with a friend of bill wilson more recently.


My folks are well, the weather is fucking awsome right now, I grew up so tired of the god dieing heat and miss it some days, usualy when its cold, wet and rainy. I miss some parts of NOLA., Space city and the Lone star state. I dream of bungie jumpieing or hangglideing one day here.


I cant wait till the summer to go swimming in the bay with my wetsuit I was thoughful enough to bring from days of swimming in galviston island. I

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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Tuesday, February 26, 2008

02/26/08



Had a rough night last night, friend was sick, went into a seizure,and possibly cathartic arrest. I had to hold her and call ems, and take care of her, rough night she got sick while we were playing play station.


Anyway, today was rather uneventful, went and picked up mail some mail is beginning to be forwarded to san francisco with the change of address, and ate very well today some yummy black bean casserole, and good meal. I also feel very full and filling. I also am tired from the for mentioned medical emergency last night.



I saw a traffic stop gone bad, and a drug bust today. And have a appointment at a clinic tonight and later this week (Friday) I have a therapist appointment in the Castro area. I also uploaded some more recent photos to the photo bucket and blog. And worked on the TGSFO site and forum community a bit more.


I went to the library, yesterday did laundry for my friend and myself, went to the Castro county club, and a few other meetings. I talked to my sponsor who is still sick and I am worried about. I hope she is wok.


I also am grateful to be sober, alive and in good spirits, and to be able to remain clam druning a friends medical emergency last night, and helped keep her safe. I also was glad to be able to well have friends, severity and a fresh start and a friend whom I would trust with my life, and I helped save her life last night sort of.


I am alive, well and in good spirits, and regretful to have folks, family even if they don't understand, I see them less and less, I still love them. I still care for them, I am grateful that folks in Houston still care, I just had to move on,and one day I have to face them, my fears and be honest which I am able more and more through my fresh start security. And dealing with my depression and insecurity's.


I am glad to be alive, to have what I have Individuality, respect, and gratitude. I am grateful for love, life and well being true. I am glad to be sober, baa, and also for friends. I had to make difficult choices and still do. And it hurts, sometimes the best things and paths in life are not the easy ones to make.


I make an amend to a religious group who a bashed, religion, insecurity's and abuse and lack of action and inaction led me to drink., and I don't want to build a resentment. It hurts every day, I want to phone a few people my drinking hurt, or my threats hurt, but I cant, I don't have as much often. But I want to make a living amened, one day on my birthday a hot july summer I will show up in Houston for a week as a tourist to make those difficult amends, it will hurt, But I have to.


I need to look inside myself for enlightenment, I still have a fuck of a lot to be regretful for and sometimes I am selfish and I don't get it. I am mature, and growing slowly, and I am going to a meeting today. But I am alive, I am lee, and I am my true self, even though sometimes I wonder.


I am afraid that Ill wind up being a drunk, crack head on skid row, It scares me thats my fear, I am afraid of not being successful , not being rich, not having fame, not achieving anything noteworthy, not building power and control, not doing what I want in life.


And I am a selfish, cunt bitch some days, but I do have a heart even if as a Capricorn borderline on aquairious sometimes I wonder



--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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Monday, February 25, 2008

life

02/25/08



Ate oranges today and casserole and did laundry, went to church yesterday and out with the under 35 youth group. Sent out some more job applications this morning and over the weekend, have to go to kinks to print a pdfm file I might go to the GLBT center to do it, doing HM and myself laundry, NM and I went shoe shopping, and she and I went to a church.


I debated the politics of religion with some sister missionary's (non olds) and I also composed some code, I have a AA service commitment tonight and Have to get back, we played Play station and ate food last night and had tea, and generic sprite.


I also, went out a bit, and talked and gossiped a bit last night, I also wrote a few letters and had my mail forwarded, Ive been wearing a pair of pink crocks I brought with me. I also helped NM move her dresser and re-arrange her apartment.


I went out a bit, and hung out at the Castro country club last night, have a doctors appointment tomorrow, and am going to get to a meeting, my sponsor called at a bad time, I hope she e-mails me I could not understand her voice.


I saw a movie set, and heard gunshots for the first time since arriving in San Francisco. I composed a letter, and am waiting progress and enlightenment, and shared some juicy gossip. And found out more about the past and corruption amongst GLBT stereotypes and Greed and why good Trans finish last.


I also met a friend of a friend and an acquaintance of mine on line and today doing service work, I'm going to build my resume with service more.


--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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Sunday, February 24, 2008

02/24/08



The reality of life, slept good, went to church today, a Meeting is a good possibility, called my sponsor to no answer, called MLS, PMG, and picked up mail and a package at the post office, went out a bit last night TCB. Have to pick up TP.


I also took some photos and uploaded more to my photobucket account, fixed a few borken links, and uploaded new links to the links page on my website. I did some job hunting, called A few folks, and have a busy week on the road ahead.


I road the muni rail today, and have to go to the laundry tommorow as well. I took some photos of a movie set and other production work on going.


I also have a drs letter to be signed, and to go to the DPS office and some work with the bringing of my pick em truck. Called lamba recently spoke to sonny and carter, and talked to nancy B recently. I also have a busy week and drs apointment with progress faith and enlightment, I also listened to a few gunshots last night the first time I heard gunshots in over a month.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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Friday, February 22, 2008

02/22/08



The reality of my life and progress is I discovered more about myself, not reencofrceing negative behandvier with-myself or others, and keeping self pride and well being. I also think I am doing the right thing, even in the long haul.


Ate some yummy split pea soup, and tossed salad today, cleaned my shoes, and lost my umbrella. I also composed some code, printed some pdf files. And mailed a few letters and took care of business as I needed to today, I spoke to my folks, called a few friends of bill wilson.


And got my cute butt to a meeting today as well. Spoke to DLG, and PMG and the wonderful MM in houston, and TCB today.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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Thursday, February 21, 2008

02/21/08



Composed code, talked to my friend, slept good watched a movie, ate ok. Went to therpey, checked the PO box for mail, love letters, bills, hate letters, gald you left texas, wish you were here, etc


wrote some code, talked to my sponsor took my prozac, it has be pretty moodly with the hrt, and shots, set a new drs apointment, going shoe shopping with a friend in a few, and did my makeup I look pretty, and went to a aa meeting and going in the morning.


I miss my friend or g/f I wish she was here, yada yada yada, I also updated some of the web server extentions again.


I also applied and followed up a bit, it was a bit wet today, and I also dreamed of billy idol and singing karonie last night for some obsucre reason. I cried a bit today, and ive been on a bit of a emotional roller coster and saw some hot cops today, that could handcuff me anytime for (fun) we have some hot fire. Ems also in SFO/

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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Wednesday, February 20, 2008

-

02/20/08


The truth of my life, is I am doing well or better in some form factors, matters and progress, stayed with a friend last night, and helped her clean up and take care of business, watched Trans America with her, and The Simpson's movie, I also ate out with her. Went to the out port today, and wrote code, my sponsor gave me some homework for me. Saw a crack head crawling along the floor when out with my friend.


Washed the birds hit out my air from being boomed with a seagull yesterday nasty stuff. I also did the Post office box, wrote code, followed up with other things, I miss my girlfriend a bit, I just am unsure. I haven't seen her for a few days, maybe she will find someone else.


I watched a few other things, showed my friend bound one of my other favorite movies, composed a letter and sent off a few other things, I must get to kinks to print some PDF files tomorrow and documents which I need to take the county building to get asterisked.


I dreamed and slept well and think and talked a bit.


Played


-
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Tuesday, February 19, 2008



My Day so far, and the test of time and zen.



This morning I awoke early left at 5am, and was out and made arrangements before hand. I ate ok, I also took care of other business, while walking down the street talking to a friend I got hit very bad with seagull shit, and have massive shit hit me in the mouth at sunrise, on my sweater, jacket disguising. I cleaned up and got it out of my hair as well and washed my mother out with saltwater and threw up.


I got my post office box, did some student loan paper work, and other parts, wrote some HTML, and php and pearl and ascriptive for my site, and server. I also did some work for someone doing web submissions and search engine ranking, and suggested some changes to their meta tags that has a small business site, but its sort of lacking in skills.


I went back to eating once day, and doing the veg and going closer toward vegan. I have been taking much better care of myself, I also saw my g/f this morning and we kissed, well we like each other a lot and are close but keep our relationship very well secret. And I draw the boudoirs of sobriety. Shes bi-sexual I dunno, younger than I, doesn't quite have what I have but is over 21. but still younger than 27 but insecure also as well and in other areas well is well sort of. I dunno I should not be dating in severity.


And due to conflicts of interests we need to keep our relationship secret for my reason and hers, its odd and obscure and something we hide, due to conflicts of interests in both of us, but she has a lot of drama, and I donut let it get me down, sort of like Bosnia and I.


Have a doctors appointment later, other commitments, and made my service commitment yesterday and also have some more aggressive job hunting the bad storm systems are coming in today. My holiday yesterday was quasi productive kind of.

I went to a meeting today and have a meeting planned for later and laundry over the weekend.


I also have something to say, “all My exes live in Texas, thats why I hung my hat in San Francisco. I fly on the southwest pain to New Orleans and fire up my pickup truck and let two hundred and seventy five horse power flow, down the highway, and I love this bar in Houston, but I pass it by and keep going to meetings. And reach enlightenment, and every day is Halloween and out in san francisco I am a redneck woman.”




I have a doctors appointment, group later this week for outpoint substance abuse, and to get my hormone levels checked, and a few shots, and go to a trans gender support meeting as well. I have plans and get ready for life again. I also dreamed a bit and the nightmares have stopped, the antidepressants I filled over the weekend, have me perky and happy and in love with myself and the world. And have been helping with the flashbacks. Its a very low dose around 10mg, and its working.


I might call MM today to see if she received the request for records



















PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
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Monday, February 18, 2008

02/18/08


My friend and I went at it, friendly a bit last night and I discovered with my pondering and self-assessment for my chapter to my own gnosticism. I learned, it is important to be true to myself, and my inner child. I have gone back to veg / vegan eating depending on mood. And eating once or twice a day and drinking a fuck load of water and knocking out the soft drinks more.


I feel better my skin is clearing up again. I am tired, I miss a lot of things, I'm tried of being wrong, being stupid and well not being treated like an adult, all I wanted my whole life is such, and I don't know, I know I am not going to drink or use today. But I know I was wrong, it was in my best interest to leave the lone star state, go someplace cutthroat, its rough but I'm making it and adjusting in myself.


I'm not even going to go to lambda center when I am in town I am going to rough things a bit, low key approach in town, very briefly quickly and quietly and without leavening much of a trail or my travels swiftly jump through town, and make it to phone in the same day.


I'm tired, scared, lonely but my good deeds of honesty has reaped the rewards, there was a rough homeless person at one of the drop in centers which is mostly gay gays, an occasion moleskin and gender-queer, trans gender, and thyronine. And I did something nice, I bought a complete stranger a cup of coffee, not to show off, but because I felt convertible and to be fretful of severity and wanted to hope others to be non judgmental, and I care.


Its the same way, it was in Houston folks still cared, I honestly wanted help, but the negativity and stereotypes, and drinking and using CW as my scapegoat, was me, I had to leave I was the problem and I have to make a living amends, I hurt knowing even I was wrong, somethings wrong with me.


I have some health problems, and confusion in my sobriety, massive stress, but law enforcement doesn't know me on a first name basis, I try to keep low key, and rough things out till they get better, I prefer quality not quantity i8nr relationships, I saw one of the girls who works at a coffee shop that was in the scan Francisco chronicle about GLBT voters torn between Clinton and obomma.



I know one day, ill go back make on a 5 year or more mark, for sobriety but Texas died in me, I need to make some fiancée amends, to a few folks, I composed about 10 people in e-mail or snail mail letters about wrongs I did, closure is good. I miss the insanity, I don't know how It happened, personally I find most other trans genders disgusting here, some are cool, but I am picky.


I try to broaden my social outside of TG circles and distance myself, and not bitch as much or become overly narcissism with, myself, soul and keep my inner bitch, drama queen, attention whoreish, drunk out of the reality. I go to meetings, eat this shit, put up with folks who are using, doing drugs, drinking and also that need professional help. I was able to get help here, I was not about to commit myself again in the hospital district.


I left because of breakdown,and meltdown, the reality is If I didn't leave when I did I was going to commit suicide, its a revelation I had. I had planed in my aa mindset every thing that could go wrong, the manner and mutilate methods, and die in such a brutal fashion, but not endanger anyone else, or break the law in a manner that was bad.


PMG bitched me out today, about leavening and doing what I did, I am so sick and tired of just wanting family or folks to accept, I cant talk about it. I recently discovered my fear of ladders, so many years ago I didn't remember. I am afraid because of being hurt by a realistic who is now deceased who gave me incentive around 5 years old to climb a 25 -30 foot magnolia tree, that I didn't want to,to prove and break me of my queerness and don't want folks to think I am square.


I also had to walk on some very hot cement, and not bitch and complain to make a man out of me, and toughen my stuff, down below> unquote.


I donut know whats real and not when I was drinking between, the reality is clear, I was wrong, admitted it and moved on.

I just hurt because I lost a good potentional friendship to the end, I only hope one day I can face her and a few others . And maybe even let her have her dream, of a shelter and safe place. I plan to work hard toward that. I admire her turning the other cheek, advocating for me, and extending the olive branch, and having so much hate and bitterness toward her.


I was wrong, I am humble, I hope I can be friends, I honestly miss Houston, I left knowing it was too painful to ask for help with some who saw me off and on, and I figured out somethings, I drank heavy to not remember, and fog myself into stupidity.


I only wish my friend at the shelter could understand it not being a choice, or attention whore, I am female in the brain, I just hurt and donut remember much, I cam afraid of going back out, getting messed up, jail, or dieing, suffice, or not ever achieving in life.


But optimism is key,and the goal to happiness and enlightenment, progress not correction one day at time, first things first. I leap bounds, and merciless, and being humble. The truth is My life was fricasseeing and I could not ask for help, or whatever.


I know and also learned because of being hurt, my home being violated, I wish I had a roommate. I don't think I could ever live alone again, or without a very big dog to protect me. Or maybe two big to medium dogs. I don't feel safe. I don't want to dwell on it.


But I know I was just as wrong, the abused, became the abuser, and bitch and drama queen, she (I) got sober, and now understands and remembers the keys to life. And deals with her fears pain and suffering. I might bring a friend when I go back to make amends, if I make a good friend in the program with more sobriety, just because of how horrid I was in Houston and the bad memoirs, maybe in time, with progress I will overcome these feelings and emotions, one can hope so anyway

Caio.


Today I am greaten I learned about myself, worked out with my sponsor, and made progress and understood the dangerous off the path I got when I was sick, we have some rain later this week, and teas will prob bely get some of this system next week.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

02/18/08


Tomorrow on the agenda is the Post Office box, My Pick-em up truck has been moved out of Texas and is gone and out of here. I remembered something and was able to seek help, for my insanity of myself, I have some anti-depressants for my panic I cant think of the name of the things I think they were the things dr sami wanted me to consider, but she didn't have any and I was rejected 3x by MHMRA and sought help at the county health dept, and was unable to get the help I needed.



I don't really remember much about my past, but I'm sort of getting it and becoming able to love myself, part of my faults were not taking good care of my program, last night I did a random act of kindness and it payed of pretty well. I had some goodness come to me, for doing something not to show off my narcissism and all about me, and I am sort of starting to get it or myself.


I to some degree am dealing with my own trans-phobia. Again and the inner bitch, I am thinking I might by pass Texas or go around partly in my trip through here, though I am not sure, my biggest fear is being arrested for using the bathroom in a state or city or county with no protections. I don't want any more drama, I just want to get my truck and go but I am ahead of myself.


I'm even afraid of flying, or going through the TSA bullshit, I am tried of the drama, the womens shelter is insane, a lot of the women are nuts, bitch around all day and don't do anything, or complain and a few are dishonest, some I can detect their Texas accent or Louisiana or Miss accent. I hurt knowing I am right and am doing the right thing and cant force someone to.


It hurts walking every block and catching a sniff of booze, pot or something else, some parts of the city have things than can poke you from IV drug users. I just be very selective and don't get to caught in myself.


I also am doing what I must maybe being a bit more proactive, I didn't get much done early on due to my cold. But I am taking care of business, and because of my kind act yesterday I made a new friend that offered to help me, but I wont abuse it and they are remodeling their house and I donut want a handout, I want to work or help paint or move things.


I also miss my family, they don't understand what its like for me, I wanted help but none of the programs gave me any, I gave up on my proactive-ness. I'm not going to put myself in a institution and be abused, again. I committed myself once in Harris county when I was being abused at work and they were none to kind to me. And I don't want to talk about it again


I went back to my vegan and discipline, my friend in the shelter who's 2 years older than me, and we got into a debate about being trans gender, I showed her my old drivers license photo and she thinks I'm cute, I don't choose this some folks don't get it, and she overloaded me but also helped me understand I need to work on my own self confidence and trans phobia.


Anyway I start soon on this outpatient program dealing with my drinking issues with folks who have stopped or are in early sobriety it hopeful will work out well. I also am awaiting my divisibility to be restarted and also a payment from a lawsuit settlement. I also will hopefully soon be flying back to New Orleans and leave quickly, it hurts not to want to see your folks, and family, friends, folks who raised you, I also wont be stooping in Houston just passing through, briefly and I plan on avoiding the town and area as much as possible and hustle to phoenix, az quickly, and maybe rest in Houston or someplace else or push myself to Austin before leavening for the next leg, Austin might be a stay over and no partying for this girl.


I made the right choice, PMG and I fought today about not driving there, I'm not welcome in NOLA ethier because of things I did, I'm tired of getting it trouble and bad reputations, and Ive managed to stay off law enforcements radar here, and out of trouble, and be a good girl and do whats right for me even if its not always easy.


I miss it and have some bad habits I'm working on, but its hard but progress and not perfection, and enlightenment keeps growing even if sometimes I think it doesn't, I am controlling the inner bitch.





--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Sunday, February 17, 2008



The reality of life is not what you do, but what you don't do and who you are and true to yourself. The discovery of my own flaws, and defects and crimes against myself and humanity and having more compassion and allowing myself to higher standards not biblical but not thinking I am better than you or the next person, but desiring better and progress


The chapter to my own personal discovery and chapter to my gnostic and personal spirituality, individuality, overcoming my Trans-phobia, and allowing my inner child to grow without vokkia, beer, or wine or smokes is a desire in it self.


Meetings life to life, day to day, desire to progress, to change and positive optimism, and not draining like the vampire defect and personality I have but need to remove and change, the saying old habits die hard is true but the desire to change is change in self, mongering of your progress and achieving enlightenment zen, and life in it self beyond drinking, resentment, and relapse and insanity is a growth in it self.


Being progress but not refection and choosing the right, even when its hard, which I made, being a humble servant and the daughter of the goddess of my understanding, I proceed out of the deep dark tunnel that you know you have been down and where it leads, and choosing life, enlightenment, faith, chance and facing your fear.


I know I made the right choice, and what is done is done, and I am alive, and the weather is beautiful and progress is happening, I just must remain disciplined, faithful and choose life, and do the right thing, and remain focused and sober.


Laundry got done, took care of some other applications, post office is the plan on Tuesday, finance later, and church didn't happen maybe I need a meeting more and I must remain focused like the inner child, Capricorn border lining on Aquarius.


I will soon be able to fire up my pickup truck and let 298 HP ROAM WITH MY 4 WHEEL Drive tailgate into a garage I found a better deal and look often and not at plans when things come through which they are. I also have a new doctor to continue to prescribe my HRT and joined a outpatient treatment for folks who are sober, and thats good and catered toward my needs.


I found new more desirable housing in a womans shelter that is appealing, ran into a few friends, and some cute dyke's and soft studs hang out there. It hurts to see folks who gave up on hope, and life and fucked up trans genders. Oddly enough in a meeting yesterday we had to close the window due to pot mixed with crack blowing into a 12-step meeting and progress and enlightenment was archived slowly, only in San Francisco does that happen.



I also will get a meeting today, and found a closer borders to get my map of san Francisco, I also might go visit my friend again that lives out in piedmont but wont show up at MLS without calling. And have seen the Mormon temple in Oakland amongst other factors.


I compose this with hope, luck, and faith of a god, godless and my guardian angel of enlightenment, faith and a better life while in youth and progress, doing, not bitching, or suicide bull shit cry s for help, I live and have life, and feel alive, maybe I was uncertain, maybe it was the off levels of my hormones and other factors, but its happening, and I admit I am afraid, of relapse, death and being hurt or going back out at repeating prior transgressions, so I get my cute little vegan ass to a meeting every day, to practice progress, life, and the god of my understanding with other assholes, crackpots, fallen women, and drunks and those insane alike to keep coming back knowing it does work even if other don't.


And knowing my sponsor cares, and love me and I learned I have to put myself first, I have someone I like but she smokes, pot, bitches and has an abusive friend. And fell to the stupidity of san Francisco dark side, lucky for me I had a true friend whom I missed her call and hope she is Keeping up on my blog from the cab of her 2007 Freighter sleeper wherever her owner operate status keeps and and she doesn't jack-knife again.


I also love my family,f friends, friends of Bill W, people who cared, and acquaintance, those I need to make amends to, those who hurt me, and the power of forgiveness, faith and a better understanding of myself and the way the world really works both from San Francisco, to Oakland, To Berkeley, to New Orleans, to Harvey, Austin, Dallas, and the Lone Star Sate truck stops, the INTERNET, global and around the world and my loyal blog readers I wish others the best of luck and enlightenment.


--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

Saturday, February 16, 2008

02/16/08



Yesterday made a doctors apointment for my future, I also discovered more about myself, I learned more about life and who I am, and where I want to go. I noticed someone my crush is imature, doestn want advice, is insecure, and well is somewhat like me, and she is well, just werid desont want to do anything but bitch and sink shes in her early 20s, my friend or one we are sort of close is in her late 20s than I.


I also saw someone another trans-woman who was rejected very much, and badly and hurt dearly and I worry about her safety in her arangements, but I have to worry about myself being selfish, talked to morris and things should be goeing well.


My truck and other items are being moved out of the lone star state as we speak. I also made other arangements to take care of other matters and affaris. I got some new anti-depressants that should help, my sponsor and I kissed and made up. I was becoming depressed and co-dependant sort of. Im tired of hurting and sick and tired of being sick and tired.


I went someplace else more recently. I also my friend gave me some nice shoes, but they arnt the best for walking or with the foot problems I am having atm. I also slept good last night, and rested part of this morning my back and body is feeling better.


I am afraid sort of of doing some things, but I am doing them I have a AA meeting today and on my plan and for my future.

I am depresed and hurting, I dont want to die and I am alive, and greatful to have what I have now, and to experance life sober and someone is looking for me.


I started some of the school paper work, the post office box is also on the adgenda also for my tasks and goals to achive life and soberity and progress, zen and enlightment.


I am feeling well and ok and will be ok, I ate some eggs and oatmeal this morning and have some things to do today, the bitchness living with those fallen women and insnaity must get away for a bit today, Im not going to lie around hopeless and feel sorry for myself.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

Friday, February 15, 2008

life and progress, family, and enlightment 7 months sober later

02/15/08



Went to FEDEX today for the keys, documents and other issues, have a flight to catch in a few weeks and other affairs to take care of and fire up my pickup truck from NOLA- TO Houston and a chip meeting and my birthday at lambda center in July and than let 300 Horsepower to run into California.


I spoke to my sponsor today she is good and we worked on some things, our sponsor ship is still working I am getting better I think I was sick, a bitch and not taking care of myself during my cold and flu.


I also have some other affairs to take care of, I had a few applications for school and looking at apartments. My crush and I are going out, shes a bit younger than I, I dunno I donut want to be had and hurt and have my feelings hurt again. Anyway shes ok Blah. Shes younger than I 21. Geeze I wish I was 21 again I'm getting old.


Last night on the commuter train, I had some drunk guy hilting on, me and others and even some guys he was a swinger I guess for both teams, it was funny, I told him he could find me at queers crackpots and fallen women Mondays at the Alano club. Blah.


I also gave him meetings, I have sober guys and drunks hit on me. I talked to morris today, and got something for my depression and PTSD and flashbacks. I also have to fly and drive back and wish I had done other things first before leavening which I wish I did. But yada yada yada. I also have to refill some of my scripts also. And pack out and prepare to fire up my pickup truck and let 2800 miles of interstate highway most on I-10 west to san francisco.


I have a garage and other plans in store for life, I also have other factors and had a interview at a 24 hour Walgreen in Castro which is appealing and made networking at the job fair, I also am going to start San Francisco City Collage in the fall, and might take a late summer course in GLBT study s or womens study s.


I composed some code for my site, and launched the San Francisco Transgender Community on line co hosted and posted, eventually I want to launch something like Transhouston.com clone for san Francisco, I have some other content management systems I am experimenting with.


Yesterday an acquaintance of mine was in the paper she was a 51 year old trans gender woman who brought a firearm to her job in pacific at the san Francisco international airport, and they also found some illegal full auto AR-15 assault weapons and a ak-47 at her home. She brought a 45 to her job as a airport maintenance mechanic. Shes in jail without bond and also has a court case regarding a knife fight at a bar with a undercover police officer.


She creped me the fuck, out and I understand. It was in the San Francisco Examiner a few days ago, I met her in Jan 2008.\\


I'm in there sober 7 months yesterday, also I had my HRT checkup and had an appointment and got something for my depression and PTSD and panic yesterday I have to fill. A friend gave me some shoes, and I am doing well and taken care of. I ate a good breakfast this morning eggs, potatoes veg. And some coffee and milk.


I did some walking, and worked out and have been loosening weight and getting fit, I also am going to pickup some good Texas BBQ and a New Orleans Po boy before coming back to California and meet a friend in new Mexico for dinner. Whos neat and on a mailing list I belong to.


I took a photo or two yesterday




--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

Thursday, February 14, 2008

-

02/14/08


Slept good last night, ate good this moring before leaveing the house. Did ok. Tried to find a key maker recently, none in this city have the kind of my lock. I am going to maybe have to mail those things on faith, I need to mail those keys to DLG.


I have a drs apointment, and might hang out at the country club a bit today to get some work done.

I had a dream last night, and have a new crush whom I deeply admire, closer to my age though younger, why I do I usually have attraction to the under 25 crowd, am I still young at heart?


I took a photo this morning of the Lone Star state and the us flag twisted and the claifnora flag tiwsted near city hall, after I went to three lock and key places. Some cheap chineese food might be in order, dreamed a bit and slept better. My stalker I havent seen in a while, ive been laying low.


I also need to be careful what I disclose here. Met more friends of bill w, everyone is a friend of bills on this island, imanage that.


I went home and ate a yummy dinner, last night, and rested a bit today.

-
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

02/13/08



Phone rang at 4 am this morning, went someplace to seek assistance, might go by peter morris today also, have some laundry to do, had a great shower last night and good breakfast today. Bitched someone out that had to reason information overload. Have a meeting planned today. I'm tired and worn out but rested a bit more today.


Spoke to the person at city collage, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. Self termantion is on my mind, my life is better I think but I wonder other times, Ill never hear the end of it till I admit I fucked up, I'm tired of being sick and tired.


I don't hurt as much as in fear of being hurt, or not allowed medical care, or even bathrooms. I'm just confused in it all. I don't know whats real and right, it doesn't help I deal with folks who don't believe in drunks, I don't know whats wrong with me, I'm having to learn everything all over again, I'm confused lonely and well I just don't know, and quite frankly am starting to feel better off dead.


Maybe Ill fall and spin rice round like a record baby, my lifeless body dieing on the ground of davy jones locker.


I'm tired of being hurt almost every night, I go to sleep. I am beaten, hurt and victimize. Now in reality I allowed myself to be the victim, and I might allow myself to be the victim in the morgue. I am tired of hurting day and day out. And I just want the pain to end in one form or another.


I am tired of remembering the suffering I caused myself, others, and others caused, me my inactions, actions, and lack of personal security destroyed a good life, and now I am a box of bones with to much to do and overloaded.


I had another guy grab me with mooring, I also found another twin in the meeting, and have a new crush here in town. I slept good, rested and ate a good breakfast today. I'm becoming brain dead, overloaded and tried of being sick and tried and wanting to end the pain permanently


I don't relive the past, but I hurt remembering things, I also recently received a few strange calls, I wonder if my honesty about past transgressions which I am not sure wither I did or not led me to have an arrest warrant in Texas. I have been getting some odd(713) (281) (832) area code calls


I give A fuck, but I did this to myself and theres no truing back for better or worse, life or death. I'm in this to end.

I also have a job fair to go to today, maybe things will look up and feel in better spirits, I also have a few rounds of counterstikre to do before I go to the fair, Nothing like being a terrosit and living up to my rep or a counter-terrosit.





--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

Monday, February 11, 2008

02/11/08



Ive been a bit of a bitch lately not working my program, I went to a meeting this morning a early morning GLBT meeting. I'm a bit pissed about my stalker, but I am not going to let that run my life.

I made closure and letting go, for my prior transgressions against various people, groups, and things in Houston.


My sponsor wanted me to read a page in the 1st chapter before I go to bed, and to wake up and do over the 1st step, I have a meeting commitment today, I did laundry, and did not go to the Trans gender support meeting at TARC today, which has been canceled sometimes at the last minute, my cold is over its warming up now I need warmer clothes and a few changes, ive been hard on the denim lately. I also did laundry at the queer laundry mat that has wonderful gas dryers reminds me of the graustark laundry in Houston.


I also have a meeting commitment tonight, and being a bitch lately though reading those pages, and reading the 1st step in the 12+12 helped me, I got a bit done even with my meeting commitment, I need to follow up with morris about the affairs. I also am going to diet and eat less drink more coffee half regular and decaf when I drink to much I turn into a bitch.


My cold is over though a few folks are still sick, its becomeing to be skirt and legging weather here. I also have a shower to take tomorrow at the drop in center, had a causal dinner with some nice girls over the weekend, and have my appointment with the collage admissions officer.


Ate a peace of pie today my sweet tooth, and had a two cups of coffee. And a diet coke. Thats it for today, I am loosening weight. I also have a doctors appointment today at the TG clinic as well, I also have a therapy appointment with my Theresita on Thursday and a commitment to set up for queers crack pots and fallen women at the Alano club for 5 and than have to hustle down to the clinic, and don't want to bounce around town and want to relax.


I admit some jelious of my ex (stupidly I dated here for less than a day) shes a abusive, arrogant trans gender version of the old me, the me that folks were in Houston, though not as bad, her poison is not booze, but pot, lsd and even heaver shit and a little booze.


Theres also this friend, who has a abusive partner, and she drinks I wish I could help folks, but you cant force someone to change that doesn't want it, I wonder why me, why do I have the mental clarity, why do I struggle why did I fuck my life up and start over.


Some creepy guy at the Castro country club, keeps sending me his dick photos, hes on my e-mail block list. Nasty fuck. I also have been hoeing to bump with the nice butch officer to discuss things about my stalker, and talked to a few. My ex formerly has someone who's suckered into it. And ether does drugs or not, has a partner in crime. I have realized I want stability, sobriety and lack of com unite, move up in the hills with a f-350 and huge 5th wheel with laundry and loaded. Be a full time river, maybe even get a motorcycle


But thats years down the road, and have a huge Germain Sheppard or husky. I want something where I can telecommutie, have a stable job, good money and be free to fire up my pickup truck and travel. A big f-350 crew cab long bed 4x4 diesel king ranch with the fx4 off road package. And nice 40 foot 5th wheel with slides and laundry and fully equipped and nice dieing room its good to have dreams. I am tired of roughing it and the insanity I want to settle down, life in the fast lane needs to go bye bye.



I have to get busy in a few hours and need to relax,I might go to the country club, but Ill probably go to the community center, theres a cheap Chinese place some nice lady got me addicted to, thats take out near Castro and 16th or something like that.


But much to do, and I have time and sobriety I did some job applactions and hunting a bit today, and composed a letter I have to e-mail to DLG as well as mail the keys and other factors for the road trip away, far away. When I go back down south to fire up my pick-em' up truck and let the horses go to san Francisco.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

Life sober 7 months- san francisco, and my program life and keeping the bitch swtich off!

read the helpful chapters in the big book, and the 1st chapter of the 12 and 12. why don't we start meeting at the church on church street the meeting you suggested its not that far from the Alano club?


I also uploaded some photos I took around san Francisco to my photo bucket, and my blog I update. I hope to see you at queers, crackpots and fallen women today.



I feel a bit better today. And I am sort of admireing but in the evil way of someone else, and Ill talk to you about that a bit later


Off to a meeting soon and to do laundry and take care of some banking and maybe shoe shopping. I also have a few appointments later in the week plus other tasks at hand. Slept a bit better Ive been awakening and out the door around 3am or 4am PST- Texans get up early thats the equal of wakening up at 5 or 6 am Texas time and the Sun will be out.


I miss Texas sort of, I wish I had not become so insane, with my thinking, acting, doing and not doing. But thats a resentment re living the past, and something that was discussed in a meeting I went to. Have as morning glbt meeting in Castro and have a commitment for a womens and queer meeting tonight.


Also have other factors, and things and tasks I must archive to make enlightenment. My sponsor is wonderful and I am grateful for her, live, being alive, and having my drive, and getting out of my own pity party and shame, and well shallow pity.



--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

Sunday, February 10, 2008

life and fear of the unkown and step work and well honesty and faceing the fear factor in step 1 again


buch photo of me in the mirror

Here is a scene from the set of Milk starting sean penn about the White Night riots and start of the GLBT movment in San Francisco showing homophobia and transphobia in the late 1970s


02/10/08


I hurt k owning the wrong in my heart and soul, the pain I caused myself, others and life around me. Not in resentment, I have fear, fear of going back out, loneliness being selective at who I deal with as I only want positive relationships and affirming ones.


I hurt k owning I am only want taste away, from going back out, drinking, using and abusing myself. I know I only have and hurt so much, I am tried so, sick and tired of hurting day after day life after life, k owning it only takes a smell of the booze and cesspool to bring someone out to bring the evil back in me.


I hurt seeing all these folks that don't have what I have clarity, I hurt knowing I do but could loose it, I hurt knowing my family, friends and aqauinces don't get it. I hurt because of fear of the unknown. I also am amazed at the amount of drinking and drugs that goes on, San Francisco is a lot like New York but more lib rail, devrese and both right wing, and left wing and psychotic nut jobs.



Folks who gave up and submitted to the bottle as I did, folks who destroyed and lost all. I miss folks, family , friends. Not in resentment but I was wrong, I wrote a letter of honesty, for things I am not sure if I did or not, but had to let go and share even with this person I hurt dearly, it hurt me more to compose the letter, I hurts to bleed tears of pain at how wrong I was.


Another spiritual experience I will share, is I am afraid, overloaded and tired, I feel like I don't want to take advantage of others, myself, be hurt any more, and I want to quit hurting. The experience I share of, is well my own life I don't know why I hurt, I want to quit hurting, day and night. I want the dreams and flashbacks to stop, I had another nightmare, I don't remember it much,


I know in my heart I did the right thing, I experience these dreams of being hurt over and over, of seeing the destruction of rita and Katrina from Mississippi to Louisiana to Texas. I hurt remebring being abused, I hurt with my own stereotypes and hate inside burning sometimes from not having any justice, from beefing afraid to make a stand. I hurt and put that to my higher power, my abuser reminds me so much of me, I'm tried of siting in the same place night after night leaping life to la-la land. I'm tired of hurting, dreaming, and suffering in my heart mind soul and body.


I don't want the drama, suffering and pain and well destruction anymore, I feel focus and reality is distorted more and more whats real and whats not, will I have a future and life, I don't want to drink, but folks don't understand what its like. I cry myself often, in shame for things I did, and didn't do. I am suffering kinda, and just tried of the bullshit, and pain. I want the suffering to end.


I don't know why I suffer maybe its knowing I was wrong for what I did, I did what I did because I was afraid, I went crazy, I enjoyed the panic, chaos and disorder. Insanity became the norm, when I could not get it, I moved on. Into sobriety, I had a ex prance of well maybe the drinking will kill me, maybe 90% of folks drinking, or drugs where involved in the court system even if they did not want to admit defeat to submission to the problem.


I hurt knowing I am wrong for what I did and did alone, I know the end of the tunnel is in sight, I am so tired of hurting and being in pain, day in and day out at night. My pain partially is gone, I got what I wanted a fresh start, but on the other hand, I uh lost more.


There was one encounter or phobia to some degree, I still have some phobia of law enforcement, fire, ems. I don't know maybe its one encounter for help and meeting a trans phobic cop, a rarity in san Francisco. But never the less they do exist. I have pain. I just learned not to show my fear of the unknown and the few that are transphobic assholes, most are nice. And I have no reason to fear them.


I'm hurting I don't know why Iam afraid, of the road ahead, but I know if I hang tough Ill be ok


I went to a meeting I had not in the past few days, and I observed and am working a 1st step, I am afraid to ask for help, I am afraid of hurting folks again, I am afraid of people and being social. I'm not as much as afraid of myself, but afraid of relapse, and becoming the nasty, mean, hateful, resentful, insane, bitch, person I once was. I am afraid of hurting others and repeating past transgressions, I am jelious of others because I am lonely or get numbers and meet people but don't follow up or make friendship or keep it, other than my present sponsor.






Heres a more butch photo of me in the mirror at a coffee shop

Ive cut back on my eating went out to dinner with a friend last night, ate to much :-(

Called my sponor this morning and got out my pity party and went to a good GLBT meeting maybe the alano club was a bit much

I also took some more photos and firends, cleaned out my hard drive and played some counterstike I might start playing counterstrike pro again.

I also have some documents and copys to mail tommorow amongst other tasks at hand.

I am going back to eating once a day and drinking tea and coffee more a bit.

The weather is vastly improveing desireable.

I updated some code on LEEMCG.COM and started to build a San Francisco On-Line Transgender community much as Christan has at Transhouston.com with some of the server extentions I installed long ago, have documents to mail to texas and Louisiana and to meet with the transgender lasison officer next week and a therpey apointment as well with my new wonderful therpsist who is also transgender iminage that and a little older than me but around the same age group.

Im getting old soon to be out of the 25-30 crowd :-(

Have a crush and dateing prospects, but Im not busy. and I have some resentments and even jeliousity but Im dealing with it in a better manner than past transgressions (no pun intended)


--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

Saturday, February 9, 2008

Life brutal honesty and what goes around comes around

02/09/08



Called my sponsor promised Id go to a meeting today. Had a wonderful therapy session, My stalked was verbally threating, implied she would get a firearm though a mailbox place or fed ex, illegally What goes around comes around, I told my sponsor and a few friends about it, and met a few folks. I am afraid to go to law enforcement, there is this nice Dyke cop thats older and a supervisor thats really good to GLBT folks next time we bump paths I might discuss it a bit with her as to how to proceed.


I also had a wonderful therapy session, my stalker and abuser feels Like I am a yuppie and think I am better than her, and blah blah blah. I just want a better life than I had been living. I donut like Trans genders or dislike them, I feel we need unity and equity and the whole trans gender movement is wrong, which to some degree we have in san Francisco, even though there is a little Trans-Phobia and Misinformation.


I also discovered more about myself and life, and amends and being honest of not kowning things I may or may not have done when I was drinking and doing stupid things.

I made a few friends and have commitments. I also want to game and play counterstrike again. I also have been dreaming of other obscure things ideas. I have a wonderful therapist whom I adore and is great and good along the lines with melamine Morrison. And a splendid replacement.


Muni and Bart Police have busted some gropers on the rail and stalkers of women. I also have been groped a few times on Muni. I figured something out recently a odd empty lot thats city owned, It used to be part of the freeway before the 1989 earthquake when part of Octavia and the raised portions in the area of 101 and I-80 was torn down for safety due to the partial collapse and to control traffic on people and dumbfounded tourists wanting to drive and cruse market street.


Urban Exploration rocks, I made a few new friends and well have my walls and defence triggers I need to HALT and go to a meeting, Ive been busy with needless and tiredless projects and been laying low due to my issue with my abuser.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

Friday, February 8, 2008

Life soberity, and progress

02/07/08


Today was nor Hit nor miss, the reality of my own insanity and chapter to my gnostic, I made some progress, I made some progress with the postal issue, mailing some documents and tasks for the week and weekend I also discovered more about life myself and my own program and self discovery.



Watched a documentary today on history of the aids virus and outcome. I also discovered some folks, myself and family members and more flashbacks. And understand what its like to remember and in resentment.


Ive been having flashbacks to myself, childhood and also hurting off and on my life


02/08/08


Some bitch is bothering me I have a stalker in SFO. Darn it not the fuck again, but I delt with it and let someone know, I think she is harmless just some pot head, who is obsessed with me, and that. Today on the way to the doctors appointment which I will not disclose the location and area due to my stalker doesn't know all of my hangouts and places.


Its a crazy X that we used to date (for a half a day than we broke up) who is a pot head and drinks and uses drugs. And is verbally abusive to me, and had kicked me and threatened me with harm, I'm going to discuss it with someone, and already did with another who is also trans gender but pretty abusive and arrgoient much as I used to be in Houston.



In other news, I had some guy hit on me again today on MUNI and say he dates Trans genders and wants to buy me a drink but doesn't know I'm clean and sober, sorry geezer, if I had a winning mega millions jackpot for every time this happened Id be rich.


I also saw on the news this morning they have a groper and MUNI assaults are up on women, I had been groped once or twice on a muni rail and bart, people are disgusting and rude, and have seen it before.


Shoes are on the agenda this weekend, Ive been able to cut down on my sweaters, and jackets and layer up a bit, due to the warmer weather except in the early morning. I saw another SUV with Utah Tags yesterday, and today saw a crossover awd from Montana, and also saw a f-350 with Texas truck on it.


Have an appointment with my threpsit who is also transgender and transitioned today, its a 1st appointment with her and I think It might work out much as Melanie Morrison at MCC.


I also talked to a few other folks and next week have a appointment with one of the area collages Transgender Leiason Officer, ive thought subsatnce abuse conucling isnt for me. I want something rolling in the cash and I am still young enough to go to collage a Computer science at a 2 year collage and than a 4 year collage seems appealing or computer information systems and maybe an A+ cert, I want something at home quit and predictable where I can telecommute and write code at my space, maybe even work late at night.


Google and some other tech comp nays are expanding into the bay area for diversity in hireling, apple etc also, Had a retail interview recently, and also applied for a few other places ( I have a stalker that reads my log until some things change and I don't have to be around this person as much, and at which time I will seek legal action with the police. Which I spoke to a friend who's nice the GLBT folks shes a nice officer that helped me out when someone was bothering me, before and shes friends with a friend of mine.





--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

02/06/08



The day was semi progressive have an appointment with the student loan officer. Decaf, I am working on getting established and talked to someone at the city collage and have an meeting with a member off campus at a coffee shop.


Last night went to the Castro country club, a little to lib rial for my taste, Castro is insane don't party anymore, plus a friend bought me some good Chinese food thats fucking cheap for san Francisco in Castro a hole in the wall take out place.


The also true, the thing I am working on. I contacted a friend and relative. Spoke to my sponsor yesterday, was a little uncomfortable at one of the meetings I attended at the Castro country club more recently.


Have to contact someone today with a non profit, sent off some job applications and resumes recently. Did a phone interview more recently. And talked to a few kin ship, been drinking too much coffee lately and feeling better bitched out someone last night wrongly so I forget the type of people I deal with in my insnaity and folks fucked up on shit that dont have what I have well just dont fucking get it do they.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

Monday, February 4, 2008

life, step work, and progress report

02/04/08


It hurts, got a call today for a phone interview at Walgreen. Hope it pans out here in san Francisco, Walgreen is one of the good Trans gender Include retailers and might get be back feeling good about myself. Ill see if I get a 2nd interview as well.


I talked to my grandmother today, you should have done this and that, blah, blah. You don't have a drinking problem we never saw or talked to you drunk. The reality is I learned my father was a drunk, my mother when rasping me and unhappy with her life might have dabbled in it, just as I did later in young adulthood with vokkia (screwdriver) a bit after a Hard day at wal-mart I used to lay back and relax at home. The American dream shattered.


It hurts to have someone who's in her 80s the last left, to be so scuttle, and unsupportive and it hurts to be hurting and wanting them to understand what I have and why I am so unhappy, I tried to discuss HJM (my great uncle who died in 1991) he was very arrogant, played by his old rules. On on occasion when I was 5 years old roughly, he told me I was acting and becoming a queer, square and faerie and I needed to become a man, he taught me to ride a bike, clime a tree (I didn't want to) but told me I had to learn to become a boy and man, if I wanted him to (I don't remember what he did I didn't feel I had a choice) so I climb the tree there are old photos of me in the wonderful old magnolia trees around (before the addition the the driveway and sidewalk improvements before his death, he updated the curb appeal and security of the house)


He didn't like doctors, and hospitals he was born at home in the early 1910?-1920s? Grew up through the great depression as a kid, and told me story's and even taught me history and wanted me to learn and even eat the depression. He didn't cook, was sexist old fashioned. And well non progressive and blah/


On another occasion, HJM as spoken before, a right wing nut job, and regain lover and died in the regain era and saw the end of the cold war, didn't cook, my wonderful aunt (who is refereed to as AM and died at the ripe old age of 93 the first born shortly after the turn of the centrey 1901) who lived wish him though broth and sister, of my grandmother and both retirees of my mother left here and my father to seek a better life because of my dads drunk and pity and loss and fear it would bring to me.


My mother used me, my father and others to keep my dad away (HJM which from 1983 when my mother left California and went back when he sobered up (I was born in 1981) and left food good and became legally separated in 1985. My mother often in early child hood had the behaviors and phobias and insanity of AA and was supposedly unhappy her whole life. (HJM told my father he could visit and he would break the rules any time by my dad never did but HJM died in 1991)


I resent the fact I suppressed my true self, so long I resent the fact, while my folks care they don't understand, I am doing this roughing it though not totally, the cold, effected of sleep, walking, lack of eating and struggling and seeing folks who could have a better life in the system out here get divisibility, live ok, drink and use drugs, party stay in shelters, or those that have good blue shit union jobs do it, to save money and have sex with hot chicks and party.


The people who want help cant get it, I hurt sometimes knowing I did the adult thing, I raised the bottom, I see things and even myself struggle. I donut want the insanity anymore.



I resent my father upon learning my mother had gone over the edge, and upon his visit to clear things up upon my mothers 2nd failer marriage, struggling to rase me, resigned her job as a civil servant for the Public Library system with her masters degree in library science. And even was offered a promotion she trend down for one of the newest and largest branch in the system, her branch eventfully closed it was in a rented buidling small homey, quit and after storms damaged it and people left Jefferson Parish it came to be a bygone, branch just as the other one where she was hired that was in a crime ridden area at the time.


My Father didnt like the fact I told him how ive hurt my whole live, that he was nothing more than a sperm doner, and I did say some nasty things about his wife, I wish I had been rased out here, Ive known I was in the wrong body my whole life and I share some of my pain.


Another thing (HJM) did was he said I needed to become man, by enduring some minor harmless pain, again (I had to do this to get.....) so I figured what the heck? I had to walk across some hot cement by the swimming pool, which also had improvements when the priorly mentioned circle driveway was installed.


HJM did like old fashioned things, I have many happy memories, and some of it came back recently, I had hid away the pain so long, I traveled a lot for work and ate healthy during my wal-mart time in the hotel rooms, but also working 80+ hours a week sometimes with wal-mart sometimes with service, community service commitments or going camping or on a weekend road trip in there Tahoe or my Ford Ranger.


I gave back a lot just as (HJM) did with service, random acts of kindness, helping others, and writing. I helped many stranded motorists with a jump start at various wal-marts. I helped folks on the highway out of gas, changing tires, which with my transition, last time I went to change a tire I had trouble with the big Baja tires on my pick em' truck. They weigh like 25+ lbs uninflated plus 50 lbs of air. It was just awkward lost weight and not in the spirit of things.


Back to (HJM) what triggered this memorize more was, I discuses it in therapist with Melanie morsssion. Was HJM used to go to hardees, in Texas we don't have things, and they don't have much choice for fast food and junk food in san Francisco or California. We are healthy and eco sound. But there was a time hardees had a few locations around Louisiana, ms, and Texas and they still do just faded away along with Jack in the box, and what a burger in LA & MS they still rock in Texas.


Now I mentioned a traveled a bit, and sometimes ate junk food, and well junk food worked kinda, given the insane things I did, and the personal satisfaction of working above and beyond and doing it myself the hard way, but a team player sort of. Carl's Jr, is what they call hardies in California. Even a whopper is fucking small and not like in Texas or the south. And a big mac is smaller.



Hardees makes milkshakes old fashioned, very so, and there were a few other places, even a ice cream shop he used to take me. I dunno, which also In (HJM) shoes HJM during some of my youth didn't have a drivers license but was a safe driver, and didn't drive or like bridges. Back in 1970s when he was a oil supervisor and treasurer of a large oilfield equipment company. He was driving home one night past a few other company plants, Evans cooperage, they clean 55 gal haz mat drums and put them in back in service so they can haul other toxic things, or scrap the metal if they are two old, as well as clean out railroad tankers, and semi tankers hauling nasty toxic waste.



Two plant workers were trying to cross, (HJM) saw them and slowed down not speeding one waited the other wanted to hurry home to his family and darted across, to close to HJMs (big 1970s Cadillac) HJM swerved keep in mind this is a two lane oil field service road with no passing, and no shoulder. The guy doubled back into the path of HJMs car, HJM taught me early on not to double back when crossing the street, over and over again.


Needless to say the guy around X-mass time was killed DOA, the sheriffs office came out, tested HJM for drinking, searched the car, took statements, his friend told the truth and said he told his friend to wait, the guy had 10 kids, and HJM was in the paper in embarrassment, and even family members to this day, HJM was cleared of any wrong doing, because it happened near a bridge, HJM never liked driving on bridges after he applied and took a driving test in 1987 after allots 15 years without driving and didn't like to talk about it.



Its sort of how I feel kinda I had a auto accident, I wasn't drunk or anything I flipped out, the other driver did make a threat toward me, but being the man hater, and person I was at the time, I did what was required of myself. And lashed back. It was weather related.


I also shall state my mother with her 2nd marriage, and substrate lieing asshole, had her arrested, only she knows what truly happened. I question my mother, somewhat But think she was right, people do nasty things, needless to say, the DA choice not to purse her for Attempted murder of a police officer, resiting arrest, Attempted murder of a spouse,


My stepfather wa sin the house getting his things while going through the nasty divorce, he punched her when he could not find something, she had bought a .38 special handgun when she left my dad in 1983 being a single mom leavening a drunk she was afraid. She charred it to work sometimes I know when she worked late (Louisiana had at one time very liberal firearms laws more so than Texas and still has more librarian gun laws in some areas)


she armed her self for her protection, and sat on the sofa as a passivity, he called 911 from a mobile phone keep in mind air time in the mid 1990s was princely and he didn't drive. The police showed up, talked to him, he flashed his paralegal credentials, they called for back up , wore body armor, armed themselves with shotguns, not making any contact with my mother, got flashlights and batons out and stormed the house pointed a gun at my mother asking her if she had a gun, she said yes and they wanted to see it, than she opined it down and attempted to practice safe firearms handling and antechamber it, but she was pistol and shotgun whipped and thrown throw a wall, and beaten so hard the sofa was broken. Than kicked


The DA saw a possible law suit, and the because of the nasty devorse worse than my father, the DA didn't want to go to trail with it, and sided with my mother, who had 15 years service with the same agency that beat her down and later processed her body upon her horrid death being death for a month and half. Also keeping in mind my mother was short, and obese and the cops wheer tall and buff, and a lot cops in this era, also were busted for doing illegal steroids on duty and selling it amongst the department.




Today I took a shower, did laundry, ate good, got lots of Vit C, and have some wonderful sourdough bread to munch on if need be. I check with my divisibility worker, and also did some job hunting over the weekend. I have being humble, and I have a AA service commitment later today, and I am meeting with my sponsor, a womens group is going out and due to my conflict kowning that AA is priority and the other is fun. I must chose the right. (a pun a my LDS past)


I also am humble, faithful and am sorry for bitching out (MLS) last night. I'm going to make it I think, I wonder though sometimes. I cleaned up a bit, and have fear of the unknown.


I also didnt get to talk to MLS about what was important.


I see folks messed up and fellow who I go to meetings with also works around that, I wish others had what I had, being clean and sober. The harm reduction minus rides home around holiday events for drunk drivers and needle exchange. The groups and meetings are far left lib rail propaganda that doesn't work, I did and cleaned up cold turrky, the old fashioned bill will son way, no treatment center, no jail. I did it for me, and had the desire to change.

-
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)