Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens Blog - WWW.LEEMCG.COM: November 2007

Friday, November 30, 2007

11/30/07

Today, cleaned house, packed things and sorted through items, and read my big book and other affairs and took care of business. Cooked a yummy vegan omlet. With lots of onion and garlic my fetish in food onions, garlic and hot stuff.

Learned something about life, talked to shannon and a few other folks and recharged and will be back off to bed soon, to bring balance to disorder.

And have a plan on monday, to hunt for a new job, and later in the week to go to get my tax paperwork and start over. Also get the movers to come in.

I did a lot today in my apartment, recharged and have a game plan for the weekend, the week and much to do. I understand I cant change someone who minulipultes me and uses me and shows off for others and pushes my buttons, its only a landmark of what I dont want to be. Later, I want power, money, a carrer and control. I want myself my true self, transition and to kiss the bitch goodbye. And make ammends and grow. I am greatful I got my groove and old self back.

-
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

Thursday, November 29, 2007

I must remain breif, I have to face some pain soon, and make some effort as my sponsor wants me to do and my wonderful therpesit. I have some affaris to do, one last chance. My time runs out and commitments past jan 13,th and into my 27^th birthday anything is fair game.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Jokes of the day

Whats a good name for a gay hair salon? (answer: The Head Shed)

Why did the alcoholic miss work? (answer: because he had a flat tire)

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Today was productive I cleaned house some late into the early morning, its been cold like a meat locker in my apartment as of late. I have been resting, met with my wonderful sponsor who gave me a good chalange to go back working part time given the stress I am under at the moment with starting over, and other tasks. I am hurting knowing the wrongs, rembering the past and trying to find faith.

I feel the spirt or some faith I once had but I knowninly deny it. I am angry at god, or something. I respect sonny even though I fucking hate sonny sometimes, that someone who does not belive in god, has so much faith, serenity and soberity. I dont like being dry but I am. Today I made a bad choice, I smoked two american spirts. My old brand. I regreat doing so, its addiction. I will start running again, and takeing care of myself better in a better manner and fashion today and now and into the future.

I hurt so good, and bad due to knowing the rights and fixing the wrongs,one day at a time. I admit sometimes I think just go fucking take a shot of vokkia, or bash some fucking drunks brains in but I dont. I go to meetings, dont drink inbetween meetings. And I try to listen and let go of the wrong past, and bad choices. And the pain in my soul, past and mind and body. I want what sonny has and others have but reality scares the living shit out of me.

I Know slowly and surely I get better others see it the ups and downs and spining around. I will start running again, and keep progressing into enlightment, faith, religion and zen. I have the knowlage for the out of body experance and zen and enlightment and other issues but its hard it hurts and it suffers.

Today I have not left houston, or harris conty for more than a day, other than the occasional trip to ft bend, or montgomery or glaviston countys and once waller county. And Have not left the lone star state for over a year. Im a texan darnit.

Had a wonderful session with MM, learned a lot about myself, life and growth and what I need to do. My no bullshit tough as nails sponsor is good for me, myself, and I and my many personalitys and watched tv more and more often and life is good or more or less ok or progressive and progressing.

I have some spirt and holy ghost today and this weekend, I have let go more and more and have some self-confidance.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

I a discovered more and more about myself and learned more. Last night GM called and I casnt be a co-dependant and allow myself to be mixed up in her bullshit, have to drawq the line. Irionly I have not slept much in the past few days due to the houston round up, and other affairs. And have much to do tommorow. I am busy, busy, busy. I also discovered more about myself.

I slept and had a nightmare, about gm dragging me into co-dependancy and bad choices. Odd. Maybe I made good chouices, I also had a dream about bottle feeding new born kittins something I got to do and I love big or little fluffly new born cats.

I ate good today, I over did things a bit at Midtown BBQ somewhat Its back on the special diet for the hollidays and going running again for me.

I cleaned up and have laundry to do a bit later in the week

stayed at lamba late last night did some book study and self-discovery with wiritng and composeing, went to two meetings yesterday

reading the big book

11/26/07

Self assessment daily and what I am greatful for learning about my self, toward my birthday

Friday July 13^th 2007 Soberity date.

I discovered I am a con-artist, pity and put so much effort into things My way. I learn more and more daily as I write, read and discover I also learned the big book something a housewife that drinks at home., to doctor bobs nightmare, he lived to drink, the man who mastered fear, the never ending cycle. All and every chapter has application in the insanity of the blue book/.

I find disgust in those like spears, lohan who disgust the book who saved our lives, but thats a resentment, my dishonesty, lies, and paranoia, and UN-manageability. Hurt more and more, I must heal and rediscover more about myself, live, learn and grow.

I Am a fuckup, a nobody who wants control, power, money, and to rule the world. I am dominate, selfish, careless, and spend so much energy growing and lieing, lost faith, burning out bitching, complaining but doing nothing about nothing and bitching about something.

I romance myself as a dark angel, a vigilante and stick my nose and worry about and want to dominate the rule the world, its my way or the high way. Thats how I feel and one of my favorite lines from the matrix from switch one of my favorite charters that dies in the first movie, and the best.

I don't care, pretend to care, and still do and when I cant have my way I fill with resentment, control and drain people, I use people , I put up my wall with people to maintain domination and control because reality sucks, life sucks, and even though I work hard, I want life on my terms and I want it now dammit, I fucking hate letting others in to my twisted world, and chos, panic and disorder, I liked it I learned to like the pain, even though I didn't start the pain, I did some my share of it. I liked the adrenaline, drama, and like the drama queen, romance, of adventure, booze, cesspool, and creating chaos, panic and disorder.

Fuck working for it, mind-fucking and being a con artist, and spending my brains and haste on waste, booze, wine, vokkia, and the occasional mixed drink I learned to dance, enjoy the narcissism and loosing my inhabit ons and distorting reality. I hurt to open up but slowly do. I fear reality so worst of all while overcoming the trans gender part, reality sucks, the unrealistic, panic and disorder is more well brutal and my way maintaining dominance and the vampire nature of my narcissism and emotional vampire games,and mind games and well you assume the idea, use em than abuse them and on the next victim to bite and drag into my view of the world, or the world in my view, rather than being a little more submissive, open and honest and experiencing reality

The reality is I hurt badly, no one gives a fuck about my emotional vampire, narcissism dominatrix view and spiritually draining, my mouth and not fucking minding my own business is 60 of my problems and10 percent is my submissiveness zncx not opening my mouth, 20 percent is not being in the movement, 20 percent is complaining and not acting, and viewing myself as goddess of the universe and no faith and being a cold hearted bitch.

What I am grateful for is discovering this and learning change and slowly learning how to deal with the pain and mind fucking. And deal with change and why they call it a birthday and I want to stop spinning around like a record baby, I spin me rice round, rice round... Like a record Baby into the birthday! : sobriety date Friday July 13,th 2007

I discovered and grew up outside and acted out my inner child, now I have to start over close to aproaching 30, I had my day or thought I did, in my own twisted way, and dont want it, I want inner peace, and my true self. I am afraid of the walls keep tumbleing down. I fear life, reality, letting go today in the moment. I need meetings more and more. I need more as in the midnight hour I compose this message about myself, inner child and myself.

Monday, November 26, 2007

11/26/07

The message is clear, my time is texas runs out soon. The date and plan of jumping ship grows near. I have a few matters to take care of and runing away makes good seince if I remain sober. Things are turning from bad to worse, Im going to try and ride it out but If I must Leave I will due to I have to escape houston, and texas and the lone star state.

The facts are going into play, The time, place and method of escape if running thin., I shall keep my promosies soon, and I have less than 60-90 days in the lone star state. If its going to happen lets do this, and blow this joint. Get the fuck on already.

Pray for me those who, love and those who care if you extend the olive branch I would apricate it, if the person still reads my blog who knows who this is. Please extend the branch. I hope you do. I dont want to cause others pain, which Me remaining here will . Please allow me to try and get your help I want it, I have been denyed help. I am going to try one more time through the county, But if it fails rather than end up on the streets my life slowly going into shambles, I will run away on the rail, plane or bus. I will leave even though I understood you turning your back on me. I am not angry at you, I forgive you and understand I have someone else also like that.

Please give me a message even anonmous if you still care, and I can use your resoucre I want help and cant get any other than to go completaly sucidal or homicidal insane which I am not, please help me, if you get this message still read my blog or care, miss olive branch please extend yourself.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

I can admit I still am homophobic and fear people in converting or abuseing my trust its hard to deal with if you have lived a lie your whole life.

Monday, November 26, 2007

The day was semi well counter-productive. I hurt, and bleed in my soul. I want what others have and yes I am willing to go any and great means to achive it. My soul, bleeds. Days pass. And I suffer. I want to get better. Tommorow I have to seek the atty, My dad and I fought tonight, he is much somewhat correct, but I suspect even though he and I fought badly, that my mother was a sham, and played him, my folks and the system. It hurts to have my father, while loving me, afraid of me.

It hurts to know I am terrosit, and bleed and suffer in my soul, it hurts more and more, wanting something more, being afraid of bounderies, and to have someone hassle me, some days I want to fucking have enough of it already, I am afraid, cold at home and lonely, and sacred, its bad, and well my father tells me to go back home to my family, sucides are at a all time high in that reigon.

If I move to the bay area, my father has told me two of his friends are FBI agents, and he took precautions just as he did for my mother, and my mother and I are so much alike, she medicated with pills, at the doctors depression, hostility, and lieing and hideing and it killed her it allmost killed me. I dont like my father fearing me, my mother and I are to much alike, it scares me. I susepct my mother also was a hibitual lier, as was another member of my extened family now decied. It hurts to have a father who loves, me to fear and if he dies in an accident, or suspicous matter, his FBI friends will haul my ass to SFO and prove me the killer of my father.

It hurts to be afrid, and open up but I know the best thing I have going for me is to not have any family near, me it humbles me. I am willing to go to any leginths to remain sober, and get help and do. I saw a version of myself 10 years from now it scares me.

The tears of pain being someone you are not my whole life is a lie, I am who I am and have a great many fears but I must remain humble, greatufl and more passive. I need to love, and be plesent and loving. People see the changes in me, I notice it, today I brushed someone away that I should not have that hurts. People care, still care I see it. People are nasty hateful and misinformed, and sterotype, yet I am nasty and judgemental, self-distrucive, and want love but brush it away for abuse, panic, pitty and dramma. I want love, and need more meetings, someone told me today what My problem is and I fucking get it already, and will do what I must for this matter.

Clarity fucking sucks, but I AM on the emontional, spirtual and sober, and resentment rollercoaster ride of my new life, so fucking deal with it already. I know I am wired, my mother is the problem somewhat, her own fucked up way of dealing with life fucked me, my familys fucked up views and the courts sideing with her. I need to fucking get over resentments

What I am greatful for:

Working the “Bar” last night

Being sober

Doing whaT I HAVE TO DO

being honest

not having nightmares or being terroised when sleeping, even though I had a bad one about being abused by former co-workers again*

What I have and what others dont

Not being as selfish and a busybody

having a wonderful sponsor

faith and my angel whom I saw using up 8 of my 9 lives.

Being alive, and amongst good people

*Had a nightmare last night of being sexually assulted again, and beaten and abused in my apartment that I moved into.

My life and day and night and neon and chome in space city

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Had a good cafe au leit today. Later during the week if the cold keeps up given I am more stuffed than the turkey I ate, and I am usually vegan. Though the irony of addiction and food and the holidays, we have ice and sleet on the road.

Talked to the folks today, cut my phone off. Did not charge it last night and now it is chagrining more, and I am in the loop of always being connected. If you called I did not get the message.

In other news, baby its cold. Outside, I might go later in the week. I cant seem to find my gloves or ski mask. I need to stay warm. That apartment is like a meat locker. Tired form dancing last night and working, I hustled the bar at the hotel and convention last night. And had a blast.

Called home today, fired up the pickup truck. I'm going to have to do something I do not want to. And will do it. I have to call the atty Monday, go to see MM on Monday, and do other tasks as well and have much to commit to. I have much to do. I have a task at hand. I also have to get the paper work turned in Tuesday and go where I do not want to go.

I have a few strings, and clarity. The bar downstairs thats wet I have drank at the hotel bar, at the double tree. And also hustled the tunnels and know some of the guards around town. I slept good but its cold, that old montrose apartment gets like a fucking meat locker.

Have to take my pick em' up truck to the shop soon to get fixed and maintenance take care of affairs before reentering the workforce and going back to progression, and archive inner zen. Had some struggles even though this gloomy wet weather I enjoy, Its not good when you are hurting inside but I love the cold, rain, ice, snow I love cool damp weather. It rocks. And that is why I drive a 4x4 pickup truck because I like the cold, and wet and adventure.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

hpd downtown dallas st houston texas

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Called my sponsor, worked the coffee bar, cleaned up the coffee bar, a bunch of drunks working back there brought order to disorder, the grocery and gm stocker in me could not help myself. I danced, I learned to over come my homophobia, shyness, jokes and dance in my drinking days. But lost a lot. Not to glory it. I even had drunk in the double tree hotel, and have the serenity more and more.

I had good, clean sober aa, fun at the Houston round up. Worked my butt off the pants I wore, I started drinking in and took my last drink in. I had more clarity, and see changes in the way people view, me and act and I act and find more self-discovery.\

I called my sponsor from downtown, pondering to pain, and being selfish wanted the wand waved and to be fixed. As this was happening the metro police, did a traffic stop, and the person pulled up into the loading dock of the Harris county jail bailed and backup arrived from the Harris county sheriffs office, hpd and they did a drug bust on county property. They jumped the wall and cought their dumb criminal brining drugs on county property, and a jail. Idots get caught, the genius walks away. Blah

Kept my commitments as a coffee bar-tender danced and had a blast. Ate sort of ok, went to the post office mailed letters and bills, checked mail, went to the bank, and gased up the pick up truck. Saw some drunks at the gas station having another round. Uh clarity rocks.

Have to go tomorrow to a meeting, go to church possibly to a unknown area, get rest, cook and call the legal atty on Monday for some personal matters to cut though red tape, ive been pretty good. And keeping out of trouble, traffic court upcoming another matter less than a month away almost. What else, ran through the downtown tunnels also and space sky ways in the skyline dist at the double tree, did missionary work to non aa members looking to freeload.

I also danced my butt off sober, had a few jokes, laughs and watched some drunks and worked with drunks, help a service worker stay sober who relapsed,and kept at odds. Told story's, and went to a meeting also bought a speaker cd from my birthplace, and next place I want to move back to.

Drunks and people in aa, are messy and selfish and I don't have much room to talk, and narcissist. I am happy and greatul and being more open and honest. I also have to keep more commitments and other issues and go try and get help and cut though red tape though Harris county health care system. Blah.

Happy holidays, I might even pray tonight. In fact Ill keep my commitment with my sponsor. Boo. Friday the 13^th Christmas in july with jason and a Texas chainsaw sober laughter. I had a ride back to my pickup truck, and helped another member out with finding the hotel after dropping me off.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Friday, November 23, 2007

11/23/07

Had a wonderful thanksgiving dinner at the lamba center, went to roundup working the coffee bar, at the roundup sat and sun night and helping break down. The reality is I love live and postive affirmations and thinking in myself. I discovered I love life, and living and being alive, and being myself.

I have a busy weekend and week next week, I have a tele-confrance monday morning with the atty, therpey in the afternoon, and to run to the county adminstraintion building and other tasks, I also have to take my truck into the shop the next few weeks, to take care of affirs which I need to finish.

I am greatful for this wonderful weather and to be part of it, and the cold, and to be in the roundup at the coffee bar on sat 10-12 pm and sun 10-12 pm working the coffee bar the the houston round up.

I took some photos and posted them on my blog yesterday at brazos and dallas of my ranger standing alone on the street of the lone star state down town. The reality of the time is after jan 10^th I have zero more reasons as long as matters go my way to remain in texas and the lone star state and houston. My homeland may be once again.,

we shall see what the powers at be in the universe hold to keys of houston, texas and well beyond 2000 miles to my relocation of dream. Clairly is very deep and alive.

Had more flash backs recently and prior and know what I need to do. And making a better life one step and day at a time

Thursday, November 22, 2007

The Lone Ranger on Dallas downtown Houston

being greatful today

11/22/07

what I am greatful for:

Being 4 months sober before “drinking season”

having a wonderful sponsor who is tough as nails

letting go of resenements

the fog lifting

Reality setting in

Being sober day

Being alive

having people who care

being able to admit and seek help and start being honest

working the coffee bar at the roundup closinbg sat and sun nights and the lamba center

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

random photos from today

quick note and ammendment

I today had another flashback in not wanting to remember things and remember something and someone who does not wish to contact me and bad choices, and some drinking or some to drink more to. I remember now more business and bad things I stuck my nose in and why people fear me.

life

11/21/07

My life and feelings of depression and utter pain have grown more and more, the pain of being someone I am not living a lie, the bullshit, lies and drinking my way to zen. The nasty horrible things, I hurt to turn over to a god, there is no god. Why would god put me through this, why would I suffer. Not for pity, why would god have me born wrong, I accept it but don't accept the crap I did, I hurt every day for sins I committed, I chose to try and find peace again. I don't know why, I did these things. Today at the post office some of the documents I ordered showed up. Flashbacks of dreams and other things bad choices and nasty things I did to others are coming back more and more. I am remembering more and more and wrongs I committed to others and myself and bad things I did.

Its hard to forgive myself, some days I want to crawl in a hole to hie and die, I suffer so badly for nasty things I did, I want to run so far away, the blackouts, bad choices, and sins against other glbt folks and transgenders are utter poison and agony, the utter clarity is horrid. But I chose to get better or go camping and alas never return. Jumping ship from Houston to root elsewhere is not unrealistic or impossible, but I don't feel a need to broadcast it when I do,I know when the time will show up.

The holidays suck to be alone, single, and at odd and at a crossroads. The life I lived, bad choices I made I am angry at myself, and the pain. But I move on. I don't know where I will go but I am grateful to be sober, even sitting here at the coffee shop at Catlaina next to the dark horse tarven another place is painful and utter agony but I make it.

I know I am alive because someone maybe my mom, god or some goddess kept me alive, I should be shot many times dead, blacked out or overdosed in my apartment, I have clarity and want life to feel the lost self inside and I struggle to rediscover my old self, accept it again and live it. Sometimes I feel the agony is I lost is she died, and I die sober but that is not a option and unacceptable.

I know I will accept myself and love myself and move on away from the lone star state, (and the beer) also when the time is right, I will know and take action into doing and be.

Today the letter showed up, I went to the zoo, and I ate breakfast with my sponsor quavos rancheros was fucking awesome today, and ironically enough I saw someone else with a car just like hers younger and with the two stickers on the back as well.

I had someone offer me a drink today and I promptly and proudly refused, I also had someone sexually make pass at me in a crude and nasty way and told them where to go, (hell) but in a niced matter.

Blah Live in the moment, and not the dream or bullshit.I am grateful for being alive, having a wonderful sponsor and being in the moment, also the letter came today for the paperwork I need for the gold card and mostly filled out thats my task on Friday and get to shock my wonderful therapist (unless she checks my blog) this weekend with the awesome news,

I am afraid of rejection but hope things work out as I deep down know they will, I want help and am going to any heights to get it. I slept good last night asleept before 9PM and awoke at 5am back in bed and struggled after not sleeping for 2 days and have to set up and get the paperwork for the roundup this week

Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

life and progress and plans for the greatful

11/20/07

I know whats wrong with me, I like to be in control and right now I am not. I am a power lover, I like the idea and desire the idea of transitioning, but power, money, love and charity and I am selfish bitchy and sometimes have my fits.

I want power, control a good job again, overtime long hard hours, friends, faith, religion, a higher power, love, family, kids, a partner in crime. I hurt the holidays suck. I will never bitch at her again, nor will I bitch in front of her or others, really she is remarkable person, and I am jellious of her, and selfish power bitch I want to complain, and complain about her and that is rude and selfish, and very unladylike like to speak of.

I have been nasty the past few weeks, tonight I almost was arrested for using my own card at restraint I lost a card later found it and cut up the wrong card, and was detained for card fraud which after being handcuffed and questioned at one of Houston eating establishments was released, and paid my bill in cash after a short stint with a security guard and law enforcement. Which the card, was in my name, as the drivers license, and the truck also as well. I was cleared of any wrong dueing and did not break any laws given, I paid before I walked out while they tried to stall me.

I also remembered a flashback to 2 years ago recently, and more things that have been flashing back over and over, my brain is rebooting and growing more and more the reality is I am becoming myself. We made faith and amends, and peace and unity my next door, neighbor., the truth is we are different in some ways but in the same boat so to speak. I have a plan, fear and uncertainty. And progress is sometimes slow painful and hurting in thr mind, body soul.

My issues are real and I am a wonderful person and I grow more and more into my inner self, and awareness and accepting of my mind, body, heart and soul. I blew away so much in the past, and must live in the present, and not in a moment far, far away on the death star.

Regardless, I need to quit being miss prissy bitch and move the fuck on and don't get into issues and things that don't fucking concern me, and mind my own fucking business, at the moment. I need to let, go, and grow forward and move head. And try to live long and prosper into myself, soul and the mind body and spirit.

I have much to learn and am a baby, and much to do and some step work and to grow. And while I did not sleep much, kept my commitments to therapy today, keep my commitments to my sponsor today, and grow and live and learn, you live and learn for the past, present and future and history is a area of interest.

I am pretty fucking smart, beyond what I am I need to get my thumb out of my ass and continue to grow in mind, body, and spirit, I need to grow to live and learn. I need to free my mind further and expand in more and more into my inner soul and peace, I need to let go more and more into the inner true strange little lost girl inside, me. I need to find zen again, but to archive zen sober.

The truth is I work hard to grow and prosper as of late and have understood myself, life and love up above the truth of growth interpersonal and not. I know who, what I am and where I am and where I need to be in the moment to speak. More motivational.

Monday, November 19, 2007

what I am greatful for in Houston, Texas and harris county

I am Grateful to have four (4) months sober Before the Holiday season.
I am grateful to have been given the gift of sleep last night, and
well rested and have awoken at 6am and went to the eyes wide shut
meeting
I am grateful to be alive, and not dead or in jail
I am grateful to have what I have, and let go of the pain

I am grateful for my sponsor and others around me
I am grateful for forgiveness
I am grateful for my wonderful therapist--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

Sunday, November 18, 2007

life and daily thoughts

11/18/07

The pain hurts so bad, I did not know or fully understand the pain, was so bad. And had forgotten how much my soul, bleeds with scars, bruses and pain and suffering. I want what I once had but not drinking. I was hurt but understand those will allways not understand my pain.

It sucks that I want help but can not get any with peace, love and faith. It sucks that I have to commit a crime, be chronicaly sucidial, or homicidal or be another tradgty in Harris County that just went insane due to the suck ass system. There are many to name, Andria Yates, Claria Harris, Richird reed, the Acres Homes serial killer (unsolved and still out there killing)

The crime is out of control in Houston, crimminals drug dealers, and other unsavory elmants are everywhere, we dont have enough cops at night, or law enfroecment, the country is deeper and deeper in debit, sold out to forgin powers, and corprate intrests.

Elections are bought, power is bought. The country is looseing yet another war, gas is back up to $3+ a gal. Fuel Economy for light trucks is lower than ever, smog is through the roof. Illegal immgration, is out of control. The houseing and credit slump is also kicking in.

The world and allmighty united states of america, is not so united Bad news, sells and little but any news, I dont give a fuck that Britney spears got wasted again, and fancy prancys disgraces the big book

I in other matters Had my feelings hurt last night, by someone that does not understand sex is anotimay and physcal, and gender is in the brain, mind, soul and body, teeling me I need to go to SA bullshut;. Also this person was I think a bit wasted. I met some folks whom had to lie about soberity to get in and seek help. It sucks the system and way of life we have become. I visted the 24 hour club near northline mall.

In my own twised, reality distored more and more I suffer. I bitched at Brandi today, and shes pissed, I am sorry for doing such. I fear being crazy ending up a drunk, trash on the streets. If things contunie to look as bleak and I am unable to get help, I am very pro assisted sucide, and I will self termante if I am not able to get the medical and medicine I need and require, I am falling apart in pain.

Big Bend natioal parks is one of my favorite get aways and a Place I am found of just south of elpaso, Texas. One of the best views of the rio grande. And One of my beloved vacation get aways. In addition to east texas I love driving up us 59 between houston and I-20 in a convertible wind blowing in my long hair is very relaxing.

I had a talk with my grandmother more recently, she said that when she dies, she is going to be cremated and not be told till afterward given she loves, me disapproves but accepts the fact and doesnt want me to spend money to come see her in her last days, which I respect.

She has lived a old life and I am greatful for many things such as knowing how to use the BCC feature in e=mail to respect others confidance and privcay rights and anomity.

I know My neighbor is negaitve we might be viewed, as trash misunderstood. But I accept things and overcame my challenges I continue to stride and grow. She doesnt understand if she views her self a a transgender or woman as trash and understood, she will never fucking stop sleeping with men and get better postive outlook brings positve things when you are down and right, its the truth.I bitched at brandi when I was driving. And hurting. I hurt, and could hurt myself, but choose soberity, pain and getting better and help as painful as it is.

I know I have been draining and a bit angry as of late but I must do what I must for me, everyone I know goes away. I enjoy being pleasant around other people. And I must do what I must to live long, grow and prosepr. Which In other news, I want to start again 2000 miles away, and I will find a way, to the path of my birth place, and enlightment. And I will watch the cars go by as I compose this at Westheirmer and dunlevy, I watch the world go by in the neon lights, chrome and drunks and locals a Like in devesty, the goths, freaks, queers, and just closet cases, and normal joe and jill smhoes.

I enhoy composeing this post, to grow on the north side of montrose and even the westmore land, and east montorse area. I enjoy growing. I like my area back by castle ct, its cool semi convient to the medical center and the rice jogging path. I also have to watch the world go by, lost and adrift at sea.

I have a lot to be greatful for, But I am scared of past bad choices, and transgressions, but Grow better to idenity myself and love who I am, and want the photo of my blogger back I want my old beautfyl self back, cute, sexy and nicely dressed and pleasnt to bre around but without the backstabbing, messy bitch self and cold hearted and bar fighting person.

I think of of someone and let it go, my family ,loved ones, and painful rememebrances, and choices, I dont like crowds and talking to others who dont get it, but I try to educate it and them. Which it was a intresting club to visit, the one down south near passdena, I passed when I was popualr at SJC collage driving from katy I miss being down on wayside, airport blvd etc. But love my old self, but being alone and opening up trust and honesty sucks but I must grow again into hemy life and inner self and true self and Inner bitch and find the lost stange litle girl inside myself again

I think she got lost somewhere between jan, 26 2007 – and friday july 13,th 2007 and was found in and out inbwteen more and more. She grows more back and forth and I find inner peace and zen again and again. I know shes there. And having a photograpic memory follwed by 2 years off and on of binge drinking, draft beer, red wine, and screwdrivers and vokkia is starting to compute in my big mainframe huge head of a brain, and the cobwebs are getting flushed out more and more. She is returning more and more and remembering the pain.

I was wrong a few nights ago playing with my 4x4, and fucking around. I havent been myself, I am afraid, and alone during the hollidays and it scares the shit out of me. So I know I will be ok in the long run, but I am afraid, of ebing alone, turning 27, and a new year, but also embraseing and toughing up the pain and suffering to myself, others, family, loved ones, and people I worked with, people who cared in the GLBT community

Wrongs commited, and drinking to cover the pain and suffering for my whole life everything I eblvied did acts and worshiped and who I was was a lie,so its a birthday of myself, and soberity of my trueself not supressed with lies, drinking and self-distrctuiveactions and nasty things to others.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

being greatful and faithful

11/17/07

The discovery of myself, and awareness of life zen and stupidity and old vs new, for example climbing parking lot curbs with my 4x4 at 3am is stupid and dangerous and careless, and disregardful for myself and others.

Old vs new and cause and effect. Maybe I am to much into myself, to stuck up into me, me ,me and less observant of my own selfish actions, words and reactions and poor transgressions and vampire addictive personality of myself and others and the reality is the world is not all about me, but more about inner peace, and faith and zen and the art of self-acceptance and awareness.

I compose this inside a establishment of choice and self-awareness, of what I once was, who I was before, than and who I have grown into after my birthday and inner peace.

I have a goal in mind, and tasks I desire to finish within myself and inner peace. I however have been disrespected badly here and need to more peace

I also discovered more about life, and zen and a spiritual experance with-myself and who, and what I am as a individual and self-growth. I know I don't miss what I was like pre moving to Texas, pre drunk (in some regards) drunk and not sober, and who I was like than and now. I know I miss parts of my old self, but also Learned a lot and over came my homo and gender phobias, and did not do it sober, overcame a lot of religious issues, blew off folks who tried to help, cared and loved but I blew away.

I know I am a goof ball, a fuckup and asshole and cold hearted bitch and can be kind and giving and do the right thing and do the good thing, by myself, others and loving life and being alive inside my soul. Sort of. I feel folks treat me right to a degree of sorts, but also some do not, some falter and sucker some fail poorly.

I had a great night tonight, and good dinner, at the restraint with Cathy F and a good meeting and ate to much spicy garlic and onions and have heartburn and had a good nights rest and took care of my issues. And feel better I have paper work tomorrow, and copy's to make later have a 10 year challenge to grow into.

I have plans goals and even some sacrifice to archive those goals later, I know what I want what I had. I talked to Michelle, and understand that I pissed off people who did care, and understand what I must do with living amends, I am lucky I never did the wild sex, the illegal drugs or got any diseases from poor choices thats what I am grateful for.

I am grateful that I never caught any diseases, did illegal drugs or did the sex in large numbers. I am grateful not to have any felony's or duis, I am grateful to be alive.

I am grateful to be about and alive and what I do have sobriety, my truck, a few nice things, a bright future, and the power to say now, and a roof over my head, wonderful friends and a wonderful sponsor.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Feelings of life and love

11/17/07

The truth is I wish I could go somewhere tonight, but I know its not in my best interest. I feel sad, sick and scared and lonely, maybe I need sometime alone. I want people to know me and trust me, but I hurt, I hurt and hurt and hurt I want acceptance, and I Want to love and accept myself. The holidays suck, I hurt badly and want I once had.

I hurt so bad and want to love and accept myself. But I cant. I hate being alone, the holidays suck, but I have much to be grateful for. I have a plan to goal to finish to be sober and I want to be loved, I have given up, but also am Afraid of rejection and people putting me down, or being backstabber. Or being hurt again.

I hurt so much, I want myself again but am afraid to find myself here again, I hate living alone, yet fear being alone. I have to meet with my tax, and trust and disability atty. I rememberer I had so much, and did so much to fuck up my life.

I have chosen to leave, I do want my life again, I want to work, I want to love, and I want a roommate, I want a nice Baja pop up camper again, I want to repay my debits, I want a partner in crime, I want a big husky, or corgi or lab, I want a traveling non human companion if I don't have any one.

I love big harry animals, long term dreams of a big 4x4 extend cab long bed pickup truck a half-ton and a big Baja pop up camper a Baja toy hauler something thats off road. I dream of the burning man fest, and a dog and fem bot partner in crime. I wish I had a good sober, d&d and adventure and work ahead.

But alas, school, and starting over. I hurt and have in my heart to get the fuck out of Texas, I need to be someplace where I can start over be safe and never ever, be hurt again while transitioning at work or housing or at least be afraid of being discriminated against via the law, and moving to one of the most pricey metro areas the San Fransisco Bay area my birthplace is a good choice, I must start over. And will go to any lights to scarface, but alas I must remain focused on present matters.

I have forgiven wrongs others have done me, and I have forgiven myself and started to let go and move, on and stand my ground in pride, I start to communicate and educated a bit on issues, I called a suicide hot line tonight, just to talk the pollen and my bad algerie are hurting. I discussed some over the counter cures with my more experienced sponsor.

I dreamed of something odd and obscure last night my body is in massive pain, my back and neck hurts badly and I am suffering but I am sober, have a roof over my head, have a few nice and positive things, and have something with 4 wheels that runs well.

11/16/07

My body is in massive pain, my back hurts, and I lack the task of sleeping at night, the cold is ungodly. My body is in pain. I have to rest. Clean house tonight, and go to a birthday party tomorrow night. I also have much to do, paper work this weekend. And try and get to the doctor. I dislike going to the doctor. I will walk out if I don't feel respected. And I don't like people touching me. In general.

I could not sleep I binge ate junk food last night when I have cravings, I don't follow my veg ways when I have cravings to drink. Which I don't get often, I watched terminator 3 and ironically enough there was a T3 edition tundra parked out on Mount Vernon and Boonie Brae this morning how fucked up is that.

I slept most of the night off and on restless, awoke this morning feeling sick and blah. Its just never ends, My tailgate cables, and assembly came in. and I have to take it to the shop for the mirror and than change my backup bulb and a few other things for my annual state inspection. And try and take some PM tonight to sleep better.

Made a few new friends and I am trying to rebuild my life, let go. And I have made loads of progress, and melamine even said she might take me into a hate crimes group. I resent the fact. I was home before 9PM last night not looking for trouble.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Insights of the bitch inside, daily thoughts, and postive views

11/15/07

My Life and day today is a bit bitchy. I bitched out my neighbor last night, I don't find it funny people sticking in my business, I wanted to go home and go to bed and rest and relax. I have had a rough week, and very painful.

I brought you your diet coke, and might bring it again later, but I did not want to have dinner, I needed to be alone and grieve, and you opening your door to me would not fix that. Sometimes I just need my space, thats why I creeped up the stairs, I want peace, it pisses me the fuck off when people open their door and I cant get in my own apartment.

I didn't want to hit the bitch switch, last night but I said it in 3 nice ways. I even fucking left the chicken which I usually don't eat because I had my feelings hurt this week. And honestly I DONT share everything on my blog.

Had a wonderful therpey session, working on respecting myself and boundaries, and growing and prospering a friend of mine is going out to sing later this week karaoke, and I might help a friend this weekend fri or Saturday night. I made a few other tg friends that don't look back in fear of past transgressions. I also made a few good friends both male and female. I just need to be alone at the present and work toward my goals. I don't like being a cruel bitch to others. But I play by my rules, I am cold and kind.

I am chratiable, and like indpendance, and giving back, but also have to work on me to get my things in order. A Friend of mine was fired from her job for being trans gender recently, I am really sad, she might sing karaoke to make some money for a contest to pay bills.

I have homework to do and paperwork to do later, and much to finish. I understand I don't feel safe even though I should I need to be less EMO and more secure with myself, I need to open up more. My auto parts came today and the rest did at the post office. Have some projects in mind later this week.

I bought a funky old belt, I like, went on line and also have to return something to the store. I dreamed last night of riding on a motorcycle across I-10 coast to coast, something about riding a motorcycle in a denim skirt, and long hair amuses me dearly. Wind flapping camping and even route sixty six amuses me dearly.

I dreamed more and more of my family I have a lot to be grateful for here, I rested today, Missed cathys call. And have paper work today. I am not depressed enough for services apparently you have to be chronically suicidal or homicidal to get help in the city. Tami told me to tell them I am suicidal, fuck that being locked up is a bad choice, and would driver me further insane, I want help and to get out of my fox-hole but I cant.

I have accepted the reality you are who you are, and I have to accept things I can not change, like things I did and did not do over the course of 2 – 2 ½ years ago I must live in the present and the moment, I have accepted I will probably always live alone. I am leaving Texas, but for the moemnet I am going to make friends and accept my time here, I have much to do and not to do, and I want peace and zen again and to love myself.

I know what I must do even if I have not done it yet, I have to face the pain, I got myself fucked up this way so I will live and deal with my inner bitch.

If you cant bedazzle them with your brilliance than don't bedazzle them with your bullshit.

I miss family and friends and loved ones more and more, but understand I cant change them I must change myself, I might go shopping at borders this weekend for a gift, I have plans to go out to dinner over the weekend with friends.

I might go out with a friend while she sings over the weekend karaoke over the weekend. I have much to do and grow more and more as I learn more about myself which I am learning more and more. I have grown. Last night I lost 15dollars which really pissed me off. I know where I dropped it and I know some crack head or drunk picked it up so I didn't bother going to get it, maybe I bitched my neighbor out also about that, it matters not.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

sucide girls

11/14/07

I am composeing this lettrer of my own free will, sober and of sound body and Mind. I am sorry for the wrongs I have done, I have been hurting my whole life, I am not me, and I am just so tired and full of pain and suffering. I went to get help, and was turned away.

Being a female in a males body, I hurt and suffer. I am tired of abuse, I am tired of hurting, I am sick and tired of being tired, I am sick and tired of awakening daily and hurting. I want self-termination and death, and the pain to go away. I might apper to be happy with my truck, and laptop and life but honestly I am not the suffering must end. I am glad I have folks that care, but I scared people away from me people are terrified of me and rightfully so.

I am no better than those who have hurt, me and I am evil, depressed and just wrong, for my transgressions against other folks like me and those who abused, me I don't deserve pity, being alive is not making a living amend, so I will make a dieing self-termination amend.

I will die, alone, cold and not understood. I crawl into a hole to die, due to the fact I was honest and I got fucked, well fuck you harris county. Just let my pain and blood flow, alone and in a place meaning ful to me. Carbon monoxide poisoning on a camping trip seems nuro romnationc enough, while sober maybe a sedative to assist in the external sleep of my lifeless body in the pain, I blow my brains out in the rain. I slash my breast left to right, my wrong gentialy bleeds to death in sight, I blow myself up on fire, fire in the hole, I shatter down, up to the stairway to heaven I climb.

I go now away, to die another day. And live in pain and agony, I now grow up above in heaven, dead like me you stop to ponder.

I am no better than the girl who hits her partner, who slaps the kid who the kid kicks the dog. I am the kid above after being fucked around I spread violence and hate, I die the same fate, for being a vigilante on the run is no way to live, so I die another day, I gave up long ago, on hope and faith up above I go.

I am a female now and than, but others don't see me that way again, I came out at work and explored myself and was mistreated verbally, physically and sexually. And hurt other Trans gender folk just as I was hurt, spent my time in county jail, an d became a rambling drunk, flunked out of collage, lost love, and killed myself for I was abused out of hate, and self-fear being moron and a latter day saint these feelings are wrong and sinful.

I die and self-term anted given my wrong. And I was abused by a bunch of blacks and a maxicans and a few interracial, I worked just as hard or harder than they did while on hormones and was tough as nails but insecure with herself, Now I die just as they killed myself will.

I have much to be regretful for but I am not, Now I go camping in the rain, to die and end the pain over the holiday season I die for this reason.

I did what others have done died now and came undone. We are long lost and deverse and left-behind in edna. Now I go the way of the pain to die in the rain.\

I hope people can forgive me for what I have done but people do not understand the agony of it all. Now I fall down below.

I became a petty criminal and terrorist now I cant tell those who cared the most, and I hurt. So I die to keep from causing them further pain. Now down I lie down to die. Praying for forgiveness from the Houston Trans gender community that I can be forgiven in the next life. I lie down to die in spite and shame my name lost long ago in pain. Being bad news is what I am now I die again and again.

crazy drinking story from the darwin awards

September 2002, Germany) Three doctors from a Munich clinic published
the following account in a highly respected medical journal. The man
in question disqualified himself from a true Darwin Award by being
smart enough to go to a hospital and admit what he'd done. The report
is quoted directly from the journal, with the addition of bracketed
"translations" that clarify the medical jargon.

"A 31-year-old man was admitted to the emergency unit with severe
abdominal pain and vomiting for two hours. [He'd been sober enough to
notice a problem for the last two hours.] An abdominal radiograph
disclosed intestinal obstruction, and a small bowel follow-through
study revealed a filling defect in the right-side jejunum. [His gut
was backed-up because something was stuck in it]. Persistent
exploration of the patient's history [he *really* didn't want to talk
about it] disclosed a visit to the Munich Octoberfest the night
before, during which the patient had ingested a condom filled with
beer. [No, we don't know why, either].

"Upper endoscopy was unsuccessful in removing the condom. [We couldn't
budge it.] Because the condom was localized close to the abdominal
wall, it was finally punctated with a long needle under CT control.
[We stuck a really big needle in it, and it burst.] Forty milliliters
of a yellow clear liquid [we can't say in print that it was beer,
because we were laughing so hard we didn't think to send it to the
lab] were drawn off when the condom slid forward spontaneously. The
next morning, the condom was identified in the patient's stool [a
high-quality, leakage-resistant condom, showing that the man was at
least attempting to nullify his influence on the gene pool,] and the
patient was discharged in good condition."

The authors note, "To the best of our knowledge, this is the first
report on intestinal obstruction caused by ingestion of a condom
filled with an alcoholic beverage, and its successful transcutaneous
treatment. [Hey, we always wanted to be the first doctors to do
*something*!]"--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

Microsoft word the next generation

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

life and being loved

I am grateful for my sponsor, and having folks who care, getting better taking the lead to recovery and getting my grove and self back slowly, and rebuilding my brains. After frying them binge drinking off and on from deco 2005 to jan 2007 and on to the date Friday july 13^th, 2007 my birthday and in typical twisted lee style its Friday the 13^th in the Texas severity.

I hope Nancy is doing well, I am grateful to be alive and much to do this week. Went to bed around 5pm and woke up around 10pm reseted and alert ate at home and went out a bit. Nighters, had a good ok lunch at lubys today also. I slept well and rested ok. And recovered more and cleaned house a bit, and rested this eve.

And I did the boot snotting boogie and had little pink houses when I fired up my pickup truck, but you spin me rice round like a record baby!

I got a nice card, and some gifts today, it feels good to be loved and to love life again and well have family and folks I can talk about in honesty and compassion.

my life and day and disgust with the estblashments

11/14/07

Awoke early this morning after not much sleep after leavening Hollywood late last night, went over to the center to be rejected, and to be well put down poorly. And I canceled my appointment later, and I later squeezed in and told melaine the bad news, made the 12:15 meeting at 12:45 after making the 6:30 am meeting and picking up my 4 month chip, and I made it to the mhmra center at 7:45 only to be rejected.

Its fucking disgusting this country land of the free, land of equity and equal rights and home of the brave, and we have grown so lazy, dis-hearted and lost all compassion You can get help if you keep popping out kids, and cost tax payers more and more money. But joe or jill smhoe the avrgae joe cant get a damn bit of help and compassion.

Our health care system, social service system is disgusting even in Texas it is more acquainted the building is located in a school much reminded me of woodland west elm entry back home a old school built in the 60s or 70s and many extension cords and old doors and cinder block walls. Back when schools toward the end of the cold war were also built as fallout shelters.

If I go on a rampage and kill a bunch of people ( I'm not going to just a manner of expression) people will say why didn't she get help? The signs are there, its easer to do crazy anddo that fall into the trash on the street. And in a related matter I came in there, a guy on parole who just got out of prison dint have any papers was told to go there down the road from the parole office only to be butt fucked and told to have bills 60 days like a fucking computer the damn numbers you punch when you call your outsourced tech support company you cant get though the red tape.

Texas is acquainted and the jail bond failed for the new inmate processioning center in Harris county due to blacks are fed up, lib rials are fed up with the acquainted system, it needs change for minor groups and GLBT folks and trans genders. Its set up to fuck you, well fuck the lone star state. And Texas pride and other hogwash.

I would rather live in fucking a shit-hole hotel in the bay area and struggle to be treated with dignity, and equity I have matters to archive here and goals, which I plan to carry out, but the lone star state one day will look like a lone star in a galaxy far, far, away.

You wonder why we have high profile people that snap in Harris county and The 7 County metro area , Andria yates, Clara Harris, and the list to go on for eons. I made bad choices, and make living amends and respect the boundaries given I broke them and poor choices, I want help went to get help. Now I must try to cut through red tape to get the GOLD card, maybe Ill be in the fucking golden years before that happens, after wastering a day doing nothing and waiting and waiting. Only to be fucked out of my time.

*I have to take my truck to the shop to get some minor repairs I havent waxed or washed it in a about a week or two and I have this black soot on it, the emissions here make us sick, we are the cancer captiol of the lone star state, smog and other things, the roads are falling apart from the infucx of katrina evacs.

The traffic is getting worse, and we stand long and proud the laughing stock of Austin. Vote kinky dammit we need a honest Texan for a change, kinky is conservative pro glbt equity, anti state sponsored religion, and librial enough to care, and the common man and Texan not to be in the deep pockets of the establishments of oil cos, and more for new roads, rather than the toll road deal. Kinky is my Canada and a true ind pedant not the flip flopping grandma.

Monday, November 12, 2007

My motto and quote for today and life

11/13/07

I discovered today, That I as an individual am well selfish and have a effect of being a kind person, but also am good at reading folks and using people and being a habitual lier, I need to change my lifestyle and individual and my brutal honesty and spunky spontaneousness self hurts others. And I can use that to do the greater good in the world.

I am a amazing person and I am very grateful for what I have and don't resent what I have or haven't done or what happened in my 2years off and on binging and binge drinking .and hurting others. I have to accept the present and change what I can and accept what I did and didn't do, and just fucking let go already.

I have something I want and by the grace of god I am going to get it though faith, honesty, and working to get it. And I am going to archive my goals. I accept the fact my family and other will never understand me. I also want to compose and help others even though deep I am hurting I have to stop griveing and bitching about what could have, would have or should have or had not happened and let go.

People are telling me left and right I am better but have a long way to go, its possible I am, fuck I give myself a pat on the back I am better and let go, and if others don't see that well fuck em' thats my motto.

Fuck em'

I am getting better and if others resent and still fear me , fuck em'

Shit fucking happens already fuck em'

If you cant bedazzle them with your brilliance than don't bedazzle them with your bullshit. Fuck em'

Thats my motto in LIFE which I have again, to speak. In a manner.

Friday, November 30, 2007

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Monday, November 26, 2007

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Friday, November 23, 2007

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Monday, November 19, 2007

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Friday, November 16, 2007

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Monday, November 12, 2007

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