Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Daily affirmations and discovery and sober thoughts

10/31/07



Blah tonight is a stinker, all the drunk folks. And I am sober just looking at people making a fool out of them selves, here on this patio just watching in mild amusement. I went to the farmers market today, purchased a large quainity of onions , and have to run to the grocery store, later have to go someplace in the afternoon and eveing tommorow, and early in the morning.


The Parking downtown is crap, and did briefly conicder attending the engine room, but wisely declined as well. Blah It sucks to be alone, but I like it at least here, went down town to watch the bullshit and have more greatful amongst recently relased inmates at the harris county jail inmate processing center, upon my rertun came on the patio for more well bullshit, have a paper to work on as well as other factors, and some home work and tasks to attend next week early, I also discovered more and more about myself.


I also discovered my faith and well journey to wonderland, because texas is going bye bye, when I followed the white rabbit, and I knew that, and the path has been set, because everyday is halloween.


Blah, I wish the pain could end, but I must deal with my self. My motto is fuck it, or fuck em all.


Sucide is not a option for the following reasons even if bloging and composing utterly depressing things is good enough for the reason is.


  1. I signed a contract that I would not

  2. what if i fuck up and make my self a cripple

  3. someone still cares someplace

  4. its selfish

  5. I did this to myself.

  6. I leave behind a nasty mess to clean up that I know to well.

  7. Im fucking emo dammit

  8. I am a fighter and I will make ti through this




Even though I Like life, and enjoy to a degree and sometimes am to outgoing, and a busybody, I understand that doing right and being a fighter. And to be myself, I must be selfish to myself. I also discovered that pushing people away, my terrosit, stalker, and bad reputation as a busybody turns people already sceptical of me off further. Maybe I just need to find zen, and inner peace.


I also noticed that I learned a lot more about life than I needed to more recently I did also discover more and more, and have some anger toward my father who hung up on me and hung up over and over again. Blah. Boo, Poo.


I also learned that I know more than I did than and continue to live, learn and grow more and more. And that admission, amends, and time and working on myself can heal my wounds, my sponsor I am worried about she is busy and I am shopping for a new sponsor.


In other news, I discovered more about myself and learned I am calm, collected, cool and laid back that I know more about myself than I would like to know or care to, and remember why I became a drunk in the first place.



I also learned more and more that life is good and why I love, living again and again, and How to let go and I shall discover more. We turn the page to the present.


I under stand that I push people away, maybe I need time to greive, and I hope people are doing well, but I know I take a chance when I put myself in suituitions which is why as the present moment I am composing this in the dennys at willcrest and the katy freeway near the laquinta inn and one of my favorite places inW town.



I have to pick up some items here, and make a few drops and discoverys. And also have a lot on hand this week, and to finish at hand. I also understood more about myself and I know more what i must do in the future, present, and let go of the past, and con tinue to work toward my higher power, a faith, a system, and order, from the past which is swept under the carpet, the pain, and suroundings tuned, out to zen and inner peace, I know I must continue to go running and grow, and bloom and blossim.


Rules and plans for life


  1. don't panic

  2. remain calm, cool and collected with each action and reaction

  3. think things over

  4. Remember HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, tired) it works and use that with step #2

  5. Contiune to practice fitness

  6. Keep information flowing to my brain, live, learn and read and keep informed of current events

  7. contiune writing, blogging and practiceing art, and takeing photosa

  8. Mingle, go to meetings, make it through hour by hour, day to day, I can do it

  9. Remain postive and optimisc

  10. Make a list of everything I have to be postive about

  11. make a list and plan every day and follow them out

  12. dont sweat minor things

  13. do good deeds but dont brag about them

  14. do not remain overly narsscisic, self centered

  15. do not busy-body, stalk, harass or practice terrosit actions

  16. remember & practice an idle mind is the devils play ground

  17. remember & practice a mind is a terrale thing to waste

  18. dont over induldge in food

  19. dont go overboard with shopping

  20. dont go shopping when angry or depressed

  21. make a list when going shopping & stick to it

  22. remember and practice do on-to others as you would do yourself

  23. keep yourself, living area celan

  24. know my spirtual,emontional and physcal bounderies and respect them

  25. pray and mediate daily

  26. think about the future make goals follow them though

  27. be secure with employement, education and life and zen

  28. be more forgiveing and kind and chartible

  29. dont be selfish and self-centered

  30. help those in need, with service, actions and kindness













--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

Every day is halloween


05:03:02 PM


The photo abiove is my truck vs a F-150


Wednesday, October 31, 2007



Its just after 5pm on friday, I have discovered something my therpsit says I am EMO even after she didnt know what it means, 2 other people have told me that. So I accept I am, I am a ungreatful, selfish emo bitch.


Anyway I have admited defeat, I remebered more recently a wrong I commited, the da-javu I had another person hit on me today, and got invited to two more halloween partys, and I thought for my friend and loyal blog reader I would explain everyday is halloween, excpet today.


Its a joke about the titled song from ministry as follows:



(Everyday is) Halloween

well i live with snakes and lizards
and other things that go bump in the
night cos to me everyday is halloween
i have given up hiding and started to fight
i have started to fight well any time,
any place, anywhere that i go all the
people seem to stop and stare they say

'why are you dressed like it's halloween?
you look so absurd, you look so obscene'
o, why can't i live a life for me?
why should i take the abuse that's served?
why can't they see they're just like me it's
the same, it's the same in the whole wide world

well i let their teeny minds think that they're
dealing with someone who is over the brink and
i dress this way just to keep them at bay
cos halloween is everyday it's everyday o,

why can't i live a life for me?
why should i take the abuse that's served?
why can't they see they're just like me it's
the same, it's the same in the whole wide world
o, why can't i live a life for me? why should i
take the abuse that's served? why can't they see
they're just like me i'm not the one that's so
absurd why hide it?

why fight it? hurt feelings best to stop feeling
hurt from denials, reprisals it's the same it's the
same in the whole wide world



In other news I have been dreaming and admiting defeat, and hanging in there, the atty and others who need, documents and other things dont neeed them presently, I talked to brandi late last night, got hit by a old ford econoline rusty blue simular to what a old friend used to drive. And got knocked across the street, which I got hit by one when I was 17 prior also. During my frist time in trouble with the jefferson parish sheriffs office, and kept me legit, redneck, and doing my ways, and doing right by unhappy.


Sometimes I see my future unreachable, my wrongs, un fixable, and fear going to get help but told my therpsit I would go over to MHMRA elgalbilly center on monday, and will see her on thrusday. The more she pushs me the less I want to go, even though I need to follow the white rabbit and just do it already, The bitch switch and emo switch is off.


I am huritng because, I know I am wrong, but am afrid I will be locked up and have the key thrown away, and must do it outside the loony bin given I dont have health coverage and dont need homelessness or lossing my truck or what Little I have left. Anyway one day at a time, I might go to the engine room tonight or someplace, else but I am not certain.


I am so very depressed and I am not myself, today I am a bit happyer I talked to brandi into the wee hours of the morning on the phone, and rested I am sore from the accident last night took a hot shower and felt better. I am unhappy because I am someone I am not, but Have to work toward transition through soberity, one day at a time, and first things first.



A OLD POST GOOGLEING MYSELF



Gay - Kathryn Mcinnis Gay, On Tuesday 10-23-2001 . Mother Of Mcinnis Lee Gaetjens, Sister Of
Daniel L. Gay And Martita L. Smith, Daughter Of Patricia Mcauliffe Gay And Of The Late James M. Gay.
She Was A Native And Lifetime Resident Of New Orleans. Arrangements For Cremation Handled By All Faiths
Funeral Home. Masses Appreciated.
--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

my bitch switch is off

10/30/07



Today I found out that GCE went nuts after well talkingt to me, and the little games, and well made some bad choices. And is in a deep shit hole, also I suspect given my latest post that domestic spying my harsh blog sometimes criiszing the us government and the iraq war, edna and other not bush shit causes. That I might have sparked intrest of domestic spying given my prior server log posts, and a few odd phone calls and converstations.


In other news, I started just pondering the atty never returned my two calls, I got some more spam from this person I do not wish to speak to basicly actist bull shit. That I dont have time with.


In other news, I got a lovely card, forgave the dickhead given the following rant, and the restraunt screwed up my order for lunch, I picked up a cheap takeout order today, but very filling.


10/30/07



I bitched out some fag today, behind the coffee bar at lamba. Understood how painful this matter I am dealing with which I choose not to share at the present given its a personal matter, finacial matter amd other issues which I do not wish to share with others. Contrary to popular belif, I dont share everything in my blog, sometimes I change names, remove names, or alter bits or use nicknames that only I know to protect peoples anonmity. But any photos I take or bits I use in my life, or is hear is open for blogging but I do anonmise at times.


Any way I feel badly, and Know how Bad I just need to get this over with, I go to other meetings, and mingle, and work over time to restore sanity to my life more. I AWOKE at 3am this morning got ready went running, and jogging to deal with the pain, though not very far or for very long. But is is necessary to keep sanity, was out the door before 6am and feel very or at least achived one day at the time.


Made a few phone calls, and took care of matters which Need to be done, and did some e-mails checked out the love machine when I was grumpy I should have known the pressure was building I might go to a candlelight meeting or a meeting someplace, new and bring order to my chos and disorder, Rice radio today is jamming great to old club, bar and dance songs great spooky 80s songs, and gothic, industiral, punk, synthpop, and expermental and electronic music. I also visted a chapel today and did some praying pondering and medation and just exisited. I compsed this in a park for inner peace and zen.



I also discovered more and more about myself and learned not to be so damanding, excentric and even though my narsisim is at a all time high, and high on myself. I dont want to mingle, maybe I like being a bitch, maybe I want something more or think I am better than everyone else, maybe I like to show off, maybe I just am so emo, and stuck up I think I desreve better or want what I had and want it now, not tommorow, or one day at time. Maybe instead of going back and being a bitch further to this person I am sorting it out and my admission of fault and making peace before I do it. I know I need to sort things out today, and let time. But I must promptly admit my wrong. And fault and defect. Maybe this is who I am, and I dont like it. But I am alive, I have a nice truck a roof over my head, and a few plant tours, and informal interviews upcoming and Im still working on the task at hand, tommorow will be rough given the insanity and drunks and partys around and about.


Maybe I am hurting because I feel like I failed someone even though I still care about this person, its not right. And I have to draw further bounderies, and cant get caught up in her shit. Maybe I have to respect boundries I dont want to., and maybe I bitched at john because I had something bad happen that I fucked up on right before I walked in the door, and was bitchy about and he bitched about a fucking diet coke, maybe even in restraunts and service, I need to be less ecentric and damanding and more collected and calm and less well judgemental in the force field wall and shield up of hurting or misunderstanding.


I made a big deal about a fucking diet coke for christ sake, and now I have to ponder on this. Blah. Thats being a bitch about nothing, bitch about the fucking pot holes, the crack heads that are around, the fucked up system here in harris county.


Thats what corin and I talked about red tape, buracray and the fucked up system for those who try to make it, bitch about the over-jellious blind guy, that suckers people, bitch about the wild fires in califromina, the high property taxs, the distrcution of historic buildings, the lack of edna, the shit we are in now as a country, the division and worngs and injustices we have found our self a country close to anarchy, povery and debit selling outsourceing and the privatiazaion of war, which even though as much as I want to be a part of, I am not but wish I was given the money invloved.


And I have more diffcultyu dramma and chos to deal with shortly when My call is returned, one day at a time little by little I progress into sanity, faith, progress and zen.


mlgaetjens2038: HI
: yo

mlgaetjens2038: hey

: kicking ass at research today

mlgaetjens2038: ah

mlgaetjens2038: i figured something was up

mlgaetjens2038: I dont want to push

mlgaetjens2038: Im struggleing lately

: so am i, crying daily due to stress/assignment/social demands

mlgaetjens2038: Im just lonely, tired of this, and trying to get things right. and hurting due to the hollidays

mlgaetjens2038: yeah me too, obviously i wasted a lot of money, my life may be all beauty but I dont eat sometimes for days or other things

mlgaetjens2038: blah

mlgaetjens2038: I understand

mlgaetjens2038: i think

mlgaetjens2038: and Im hurting because I remeber how wrong I was, but I cant have any contact because I would hurt others

: anyhow back to work

mlgaetjens2038: so Ive sort of droped into the shadows

mlgaetjens2038: even lilly gave up and others. Ill tell you what I probbley wont make it alive to next year

mlgaetjens2038: Id rather die than drink again, in brual honesty

mlgaetjens2038: tghough I have had a sort of productive week

mlgaetjens2038: anyway do you thing

mlgaetjens2038: later

marskitt3n: seriously, drinking sucks, especially when it costs $10-15 to get a drink worth tasting that won't make u sick the next morn

mlgaetjens2038: yeah

mlgaetjens2038: i used to drink draft beer, and vokia

mlgaetjens2038: and go to partys to get top shelf stuff

mlgaetjens2038: with open bars, ive even been baned form palces bacuase off my drinking or loud mouth, obviously I dont take crap from people anymore

mlgaetjens2038: i tell them off but stay within the law

: right, later

mlgaetjens2038: yeah

mlgaetjens2038: i know it does look will you do me a fovor

mlgaetjens2038: favor

mlgaetjens2038: i understand if you dont want to
: i'm totally fucked for anything until the dec 7
: g/f doesn't get time, neither will you unless its just me talking

mlgaetjens2038: will you discreatly hint to chris about maybe openin dilect long term to allowing me back - and I understand if you dont want to be in my shit

mlgaetjens2038: I have a lot going on also untill after dec . jan feb 2008

mlgaetjens2038: I go to meetings but less often, and I am rembering very detailed bad things I did, and nasty things I did to christan, lilly, and others after 3 months or so im allmost at 4 you remeber very deetailed

: i've not seen chris since the charity even in sept

mlgaetjens2038: I dindt deserve what was done to me, but honestly dont think Ill ever get justice, becuase of my wrap sheet, Ive quit going to events, socials, or any7 plotcal or candlelight and laid back from lamba more due to well remering people from out nad about, and keeping a lower profile which houston is a big city but like a small town.

mlgaetjens2038: Im in no hury

mlgaetjens2038: hurry I need time to work on my shit also

mlgaetjens2038: I was going to call chris boess afew times, but rembered something bad I did to someone else near her workplace

: you realize it would be alot quicker, more direct and saner just to e-mail right/

mlgaetjens2038: very vividlty when I was drinking and partying. and could not handle it, I was going to open dilect but not go on propety and try and well discuss. I get no responce. nothing except that my eamils are being fowarded to law enfrocment and to stop so I have

mlgaetjens2038: now from lilly and others

mlgaetjens2038: whats the fucking point

mlgaetjens2038: I dont have any community or understranding
: fuck it, try - a good life motto

mlgaetjens2038: anyway, I was wrong. and even chris in her own blog, wahsed her hands from me

mlgaetjens2038: Look the point is if I do kill myself, Im going to do it in a manner which i WILL get a lot of fame but I wont hurt anyone else it just will be notable

mlgaetjens2038: inor will i destory any property or harm others or scare or terrosie others

mlgaetjens2038: it will just be notable

: or how about you don't

mlgaetjens2038: Ive given up on finding work, and myself. I really dont want to. honestly

mlgaetjens2038: but if it comes to my life going further down, with debit, fiances, or being on the streets rather than ask someone who doesnt even comfirm my existince like I am garbage andf not a person or go back to jail or prison, and given my long record with HPD mostly petrty things, patriot act, disorderly contdut, and many repaors and complaints, they could fuck me up or set me up on the streets so yes death is a better answer than becomeing homeless garbage that hpd and metro likes to fuck with

mlgaetjens2038: I really dont want to though honestly

: right whatever, working

mlgaetjens2038: If it comes to it I hope I could run

mlgaetjens2038: will you at least explore than option when You are able

mlgaetjens2038: if you dont want to Im not going to terroise you or further cause harm

mlgaetjens2038: Im just asking

: no seriously big paper deal, i can talk but not at length remember? back to work

mlgaetjens2038: my life my seem fine and dandy and emo, but honestlty its not. and I do want to be honest just not publicly

mlgaetjens2038: yeah later bye ttyl

k









Basicly the bitch switch is OFF.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

MORE EYECANDY






--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

My recent photo shoots and updates

n




The neo
--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

an open letter from a friend

I have some unpleasent tasks to do later today, and do not wish to do them, but I will, I have other tasks to do later, and at hand. I did not remeber how much pain, I caused others, and fear when I drink. I know I was wrong, and I know I am not any better than those who wronged me, I have to go to the atty later and take care of unpleasant tasks soon.


I also hope my friend is still sober, and others are as well. I feel badly for chewing someone out yesterday, and dealing with pain and a big disipointment yesterday, but I have laundry, and groups and homework to do tonight.

I also went running at 3am this morning, and stoped by my po box on the way home, more crap in the box, a large envlovpe full of more stuff to do.

this weekend, I think I might do some maintance in the carport, air filter service, maybe even take the dashboard apart to do some work and fix a rattle from the last time. and change a bulb as well.







A letter from a close friend and worker:

I hope you are going to meetings and finding some sense of serenity.
I have been changing some gears lately in my own life for my own health, well-being and welfare. Admittedly, I have been totally preoccupied with my own concerns right now. There are many pressing issues I must address. I wish things were simpler, but they are not right now. You need a strong sponsor. Someone you can respect and will listen to.
You may have already learned that sponsors can be extremely fallible (which I have certainly learned lately); and that putting all your eggs in one basket may lead to disaster. Often, it may be necessary for you to go by the seat of your pants when it comes to AA and meetings, etc. That is another reason it is a good idea to go to all kinds of meetings. For me it is totally necessary for my peace of mind. You are definitely narrowing the field of expertise if you don't.
I am grateful that I have gotten to know you and I certainly hope that you are and will experience all the benefits of contented sobriety. I wish I could communicate some of the benefits and rewards that I have gained, but right now I am still trying to put all the pieces of the puzzle back together the second time around. There are some scary changes that I am going through myself.
I'm sure we will cross paths somewhere soon, but in the mean time, please focus on developing more faith in your higher power. I am tired now and need to go to bed. Without knowing what I can offer, I will call you when I can, but with no guarantees right now.



--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

daily outlook and affirmations

I discovered more about myself, sponsors can fail. People change and grow, Rents due the next few days, I also have to pay the wireless bill. And other issues. I also discovered something else, about myself. I know more and more and live, and grow more and more.


I plan to this week face my fears, yesterday at the coffee shop I disovered a lot of wrong and pain I have and suffer in my soul. I discovered more and more and grow more. I may go to a group today, and finish and turn in a few more apps and call the atty. Thursday I have to go out to baytown and fire up my pickup truck. I have to pay the tax man of harris county also soon. December and get a new inspection as well. I also plan to get a oil change on thrursday if I have time if not most likely this weekend.


I washed and waxed my truck yesterday, went to the grocery store, went walking this morning, droped some mail off at the post office. And checked my po box as well. I also have grown used to the soothing sounds of the southwest freeway, and 288 as well and the building shaking I no longer notice. I have been dreaming more of other things. I hope others are doing well.


I had more of a reminder of my trucking opertunity days more recently. An article about the privatisation of war, with out a draft, the risks private security contratractors, private fuel truck drivers, privite supply depot drivers. And the growing privatitazation of the united states armed services. Its where I want to be, But I cant dwell on the past, and dreams shatterd by poor choice I did to myself.


First things, first. I cant get caught up in other peoples things, I must focus on myself. And getting through the cold holliday season and all the bars and party goers around me. I am greatful I have 3 months almost 4 months sober given its hard to make it. I hurt but pull through, and I will make it through to my 27th birthday sober. That is for certin. Or I would rather die than to take another drink.


In other news, I have also learned I have laundry today, some personal calls, and a group to go to this morning. I also discovered where I want to go in life more so. I know who I am and where I am going, just going along as the capricorn I am slow, and steady, but rugged and making it to the top even if stubborn. Even I drive a capricorn type auto. Is my mule for a mule.


In other news, I have been thinking, when I was at the store in alexzandra, LA and between Houston, TX and Harvey, LA I have been remebering sort of the paperwork and the new orleans poilce came and purchased a large quanity of on hand firearms and camping equipment, and ammo. But also placed a large order. And its possible some of the things I sold them could have been used to kill, or restore law to from the lawless. And bring order to cahos.


What made me think of it was,the fact I saw some law enfrocement doing good, and helping someone in crisis most are good fine folks, I encontered some hicks, and well just fucked with people, and people washed their hands, in helplessness. You cant help those who dont help them selves, and just bitch about it.


I have been thinking of and hopeing for a white christmass and hope I do not spend the hollidays alone, though I have no plans for thanksgiving or christmass. I envision this year as opossed to last cooking dinner alone and eating a large meal, possibly spending this christmass or thanksgiveing in a restruant alone.


Blah the urn for companionship. Ive accepted the reality I may allways be alone, and that I might be alone my whole life. And thats hard to accept but its also very realstic, given my escentric, and ultra high standards, selfishness, and high expectations and over demanding and unrealstic views, goals, and well way of life.


I also discovered more about life, life is great god,is good even if she and I do not speak very often. Even if faith and the goddess that I understand well is at odds with each other. I dont want to get sucked into any religion or faith or power, but to discover more and more of myself. Which I will continue to grow.


I also see a meeting in the future today, even though I am uncertin as to where. I occasi8only also visit primary porpouse, lamba, the highits club, post oak club and other places. And even occasionly go to meetings in montgormey and ft bend county and galviston on occasion or baytown.


Blah, I miss the open road and outdoors quite often. I miss being free of bondage and baggage. I miss having faith and self confidance, I hate being alone, that I do. I miss feeling like I belong or have love and faith. I want love again, I want to love myself. I hate going though the bullshit of life, Im being a narsssistic bitch at the present.


I talked a bit to anthoney charles recently, as well as wish roy allen palmor would call I lost your number, maybe Ill find it in my phone records sometime soon. I must be more opnomistic as of late, and postive and stop burshing people away. I want folks to understand the real me. And get to know me.


But truth be told, the discovery of myself is in order. I must grow, more and more. I dont have control over the past, others opnions of me, other peoples views, or misconceptions of me, or what others think of me. I have control over what I choose, to do, who I befriend, not drinking, being postive, cheerful and optomisic.


I cant control whats done is done, first things first, I do have more optomisim today, given the postive out look. I must let go and stop hanging around bad places. I do know I have and will discover more about myself if I have the capisity to be honest, loyal, and break free and admit to my faults, past transgressions and let go.


I do know and have been wondering if I am any better than those who mistreated me, and yes, I accept that I may nevr have just for my injustice, given I caused others injustice. But I am getting better, one day at a time, slow and steady, I make it. I progress, and live, learn and grow, and blossom and bloom as the flowers of spring.



--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

Monday, October 29, 2007

my life and feelings

I also observed someone today, that is along the lines of myself, people look at my life and wonder what is so bad about it. I know and others do not, I know I must admit defeat but I do not. I have an appointment to tour a few plants out near baytown. I am doing ok and growing, and have an appointment with a legal matter in baytown.

I have an appointment later today, and other things in mind. I also have plans this week, and hope things fall into place, the holidays are up coming bah. Ill be alone, I barely made it through Halloween I wonder how thanksgiving and Christmas will fare. Id rather be alone and sober or die trying. Its not that people don't find me intrusting some do, I just brush them away. I don't want to hurt anyone else.
Lee McInnis Gaetjens (www.leemcg.com)
29 October 2007 @ 11:44 am
10/29/07

Today I am hurting, I hurt in spirt. I am like the matrix, I want out but dont want whats real, or not real anymore. Reality hurts. It really does, but I am a fighter. I cant deal with other peoples bullshit, just mine. I must not stick my nose where it is not wanted and continue into enlightenment.

I met someone more recently to whom I suspect is a bad influence, and I have seen around here and there. Blah the agony of a photographic memory, and being miss thing busy body and being honest and loyal.
--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Life daily affirmations, self discovery, zen and the art of soberity in the lone star state and my postive affiramtiod and further self-discovery

10/28/2007



I remember tonight some revelation. I crossed paths Saturday night with the girl I lost my virginity to whom is also transgender it was bad, I felt dirty and disgraced, but she had grace again. She appeared to be sober, good and doing well and had worked on her transition and blended in quite well.


I also at Taft street met a girl who was nice to me, but appeared to be using meth, and doped up and was using. I also crossed paths with a few other people to whom I had wronged. I made my choices and accept defeat, I conversed with someone That I need to be stone butch and stand my ground to achieve my goals, I accept I am in Houston till at least feb 2008 with traffic court, I have been thinking of going back into the work force, and altering my appearance slightly to achieve the goals but not cut my hair, but maybe alter wardrobe slightly.


I also discovered That I crossed paths with 3 other people whom were mtf or ftm in matter or sorts here in space city, one told me to admit defeat like I did with my drinking and go to mhmra. I talked to GM more recently, I feel badly for her and what is going on with her, but I must focus on myself. I have almost 4 months and I was a bitch to my sponsor this weekend and feel poorly.


I also am going to go to the center on Monday, and see Melanie morrison on wed oct 31th everyday is Halloween. And this week make my amends as well. I am going to face someone but do things right and calmly soon before Christmas I have a goal and in the back of my twised little pea brained in mind. I somewhat enjoyed Rudyard's but bars, clubs are not my cup of tea so to speak.


I linked up with a few girls whom I went to high school, with. One we rode the bus she lives close to jersey village. And another is back home who remembered my name we had homeroom together. Both were very nice to me. And I left a message with the other girl. We had a mutual friend and later one of my arch enemies chad fontnot. She was in rotc, and I always was attracted to.


I've thought and dismissed of my health to work as someone I am not. I was sort of shocked to meet her more recently she seems to be nice, and I liked her cute nose. Though she has to work a bit more on the manners and voice. I remember our time together and it was awkward same as with gm and why I must not allow myself to become to close to people whom don't understand me.


Its bad to brush off, I helped some with the lighting at lamba for the Halloween show, and visited primary purpose. And Friday night went and viewed the stuck up cult in the infamous wal-mart church and the cult leader impersonal, cash cow Joel olstean and barbie doll bitch wife. And the stuck up folks that worship at that location. Just to ego and stuck up the same lakewood church that did not open its doors to Katrina evacs due to new carpet and that segregates based on gender, and the more traditional role and is not much better than the Mormon church or quanilly x with the waste and haste of folks money whom get suckered into such a group.

Not that I am not christen, or believe in jesus, or amen or the father in heaven but the evangelism, there is ungodly and people stuck up, Joel olsten will one day be outed much like other mega churches and jimmy swaggert for the fraud that is in greenway plaza.


In other news, I ate a bunch of junk food today, the desire to consume is bad but I am copeing. At home alone. Talked to Jennifer, and brand, as well as left messages for others.


I also worked on my website, have tasks on Monday, and a tour of the kroger plant on thrusday, therpey on wendsday. And church in the morning, I might go seek out the lakewood cult experance out of irony, but don't feel the spiritual in there just the greed of overprice Jesus halough for dummies, and idiots that by his wife nice clothes, the bmw, the learjet etc and Joel is tailored suits, and the hummer.


I'm not in the mood, I also saw a few other people, and clarity is setting in more, and have allowed my stubborn inner bitch to achieve Zen and seek defeat. I need to find a group to hang with that I like and stick with it though I have yet to find that.


People are wrong about ellciasea and taft street its a community of folks that evolve more and more while not the rainbow crowed still they grow around the folks there. I don't like most glbt activism or groups, even though I am part of it I just want to exist as my inner women and community groups like hacs, tats etc are well mannered as is christen and others, its about existing something you can only do for you, like the zoo and freak show.


I remembered more detailed a wrong I did someone I tailed and committed some property crime against out of revenge when I was drinking and partying and I am going to make amends when the time is right and admit the wrong when I have corrected my charter, physical and mental defects of my life.


I met someone tonight whom revered to the person I lost my virginity to as a he, or it or holy shit what the fuck, after I was going to do them a favor I left my house and place in huge and massive disgust and shame at the lack of awareness of us being women, not shims, trannys, trans-women but fucking women.


I also at taft street crossed paths with a girl whomI met on the street that hit on me and red me similar at a highit in my life before sinking into the slums of the shitholes. In the world. Who spoke about the manner and I remembered more of the pain I covered up.



I am grieving but know what I need to do, I know I need to find myself again sober. I remembered a lot about myself and I drank so hard to cover up, GM helped me tonight to see that I need not be so crucial of others that care and want to help but to face the inner bitch and accept I don't have control over others but have control over myself. Blah. Hogwash religion factors, and the hate and narcism grows once again.



Everything I remember thought I knew about the world, Houston and life was and is and continues to be wrong, and I have for the past 2.5 – 3 years suppressed it with drinking and more. I have to promptly admit defeat, and despair and go and shall seek help, and compassion and seek to further myself, life and grow and prosper more and more. Live and grow more to continue to progress into life and Zen as my trueself.


I remember why I started drinking in the first place, to suppress my feelings, reality and coming out. I have very morbid clarity at how wrong I was and the wrongs I committed to myself, others and the world. I was wrong and I admit defeat, stubbornly but nor the less I do.


I know I can not serve others now just myself, I need to be more graceful and prosperous in myself, and life. I have to continue to grow into Zen and myself. I know what I must do even though I haven't done it. I saw someone this weekend from my old end of town, west-chase, spring branch, town and country center. Someone and a few people I liked, old crushes and growth. I urn for Zen and continuing to prosper into myself.


I remember who I am and why I hurt, because I was wrong, afraid, homophobic, and most of all feared my true self. I admire the person during one of my rare occasions I lowered my standards is clean and sober and doing well and happy. How much I had well not remembered. And how long ago that was, my ingression and confessional.


I also care so much about myself, given I have to be right before I can right others rather than myself. Ill find plans or something to do, but I will remain sober. I am spiritually, emotionally, and physically a strong person, know my boundaries, and smart, and grateful for what I do have, life sobriety, my truck, and a roof over my head and renewed faith in living not existing.


I'm going to face the inner bitch, go where I nust, and get the god damn tax forms on my own this week. And have contact with folks I desire not to have contact with. Even though I already knew that what was missing, and go tour the plant and workplace where I desire to continue to progress and grow.


I today visited the Covenant church today and well it was sort of ok, I like ellicica as well as the Unitarian church and the metropolitan community church but have yet to find myself, or where I fit in or am loved and accepted maybe I don't want to be loved, I have trouble letting go of the hurt and pain inside.


I also saw the blind guy, whom looks like he is cleaning up, saw also the person whom da-ja-vu again. And remembered more about myself I think but don't know much anymore. I don't know where love or the love is anymore.



I also love myself and discover that capricorns. I also love myself and home and enjoy the cool Texas nights and wonderful glorious weather we are experanceing in south east corner and the gulf region of the lone star state. A meeting might be in spiritual order this week. I also discovered something else I made peace with someone I wronged and propmpy changed and are continuing to access my defects and work on my faults even though its not about me. I learned that in church, you have to have balance of power and work on my drama, narcism and bullshot. Something that sponsoring and helping someone out, to whom I still feel very attached to cant deal with her mis management of my life or mine. I must be selfish to reactive persona spirituality and Zen or inner peace as you will.


I've begun reading and singing again, and not sweating the small things and faults in life. It saddens me the shame I have brought to my name and dishonor, but I am grateful to be alive and discovering things I might normally not discover.













--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

Saturday, October 27, 2007

10/27/07




I thought I would post something, I had a conversation with someone more recently that I discovered myself, I have to be a cold heartless, ruthless bitch to archive my goals. Fuck everyone else. I have an appointment this week. The stupid whore who used to live in my old place, had another of her fucking deadbeat scumbags come over at 3 am I was talking to friend in the DFW metropolis. Blah.


Anyway miss thing next door told her off and a new girl lives there, I don't want to get mixed up in her shit the old girl that lives there, I talked to gm last night she wanted me to come over and talk. I was sleeping, I also did some grocery shopping for my cravings this weekend. And some other things also.


I met with a nice friend at the coffee shop. I might meet up with her later to do some missionary work, but I cant allow people in early recovery at this point into my cationic life even though I enjoy helping others.


I also talked to a friend who convinced I need to do and admit to the problem at hand, even though submission vs suicide is a better option and the parlisus or further brain damage is unappealing.


I went to Rudyard briefly last night and ate a late night dinner, club hopped and danced downtown even though I stayed sober, met some nice people and told them where some after hours places are.


I also did some chores. And have laundry and to wash my pick-em up truck my ford wheel drive tailgate later. And I dreamed of family and friends and a optimistic future.



I also did some service work at lamba today made me feel good to get down and dirty, later tonight I might work on my pickup truck in my carport doing some maintance and retrofits.



--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

Thursday, October 25, 2007

personal self-discovery

The Untold story

By Lee McInnis Gaetjens











October 25, 2007


My untold story is as follows, I have a lot of pain, I dont like to admit defeat. My issues with my transgender feelings and accepting the disgust of the way and wrongs I have done others. The truth of myself. I am remebering pain, and suffering I did out of self-destructive choices, actions, and inaction's, and paranoia and hanging around places, people I had no legitimate business.


I am semi-reluctant to put pen and word to paper. I remember with my photographic memory, intellect and good social engineering and manlipitive skills, and blending in. Bad things I did in vivid detail to others, I don't want to put a lot to paper out of fear of legal repcussions.


I know I am transgender, I know I drank over 10,000+ worth of beer, wine and mixed drinks. I remember why i drank, to avoid dealing with reality, the abuse I had at the workplace, my religious, and the pain and suffering I saw in myself, others and along the gulf coast, region. Do deal with my racism issues, hate and fear of black males, and some Hispanic males, and males in general.


I remember others tried to help, I pushed them away, I remember where I got drunk the 1st time in my life, I remember the pair of jeans which I wear often which I took my first and last drink in. I remember always wanting something exciting and drama.


I remember being dishonest not as in stealing but socially, I remember occasionally running into church members, or acquaintances when drinking and consuming beverages in the montrose area. I remember the paranoia and encouraging abuse, when I could no longer find abuse, I had law enforcement, security guards, and looked for trouble on the streets of Houston.


I remember finding trouble, and meeting the right person, and was similar to a jackie brown briefly, I remember working as an enforcer for illegal activities at after hours night clubs, illegal gambling establishments, and intimidating, and torturing males remember being able to but I chose not to, have people killed for me during this period.



I remember during this period having at times crisp 100s and 20 dollar bills and often having 1000 to 5000 cash on my person on a daily basis. And moving large quainitys of money around town, breaking legs for bookies and loan sharks, and having 2 males with me as help, and I enjoyed and was very good at toruting and getting people to talk, but I never killed anyone but i suspected the other two had.


I remember slashing someone's tires, vandalism someone's radiator hose, smashing the windows, bugging a house, installing a phone tap, hacking into a website, and setting treating e-mails, commutations, phone calls, and harassment, stalking, and intimation, and installing a gps tracking devise into someone's personal auto, breaking into rooftops.


Everything that I was not because I wanted to die, or go to prison because of my transsexual issues, I could not face the pain, someone whom I hurt badly who took up for me, I felt portrayed by, I did some of the things above to this person and a few others, I also went after another person with the same baseball bat that I got beat up with,but the only difference is I never hurt her. I knew she cared subconscialy even though the booze was speaking otherwise.


I ocasionly also bag handled large qaunitys of drugs, dropped off drugs at drop points where they get smuggled into the county jail and also the state prison system. I am remembering painful things, That I suppressed for a very, very long time.

I also remember a few antiques shops that are fronts for stolen property, and also other places that are used for laundering money, Laundromats, convince stores, gas stations, nightclubs, bars, restraunts, etc.



I also remember I wanted to die, I tried to kill myself 2 times, I remember why I did, I had to much going on at the time, I had my church, I missed my family, hurt that they don't understand or believe in my transgender issues, or aa or drinking or believe that such things exist.



I had the stealing going on at work, I had the abuse, I came to like the abuse, I felt portrayed at my job, family, and other people. I had trouble commutating my issues, I even became a skin-head briefly during my time. I am also figuring out parts of my family hipocricy.


My aunt in Oakland, CA is a lesbian my father told me. I have figured out suppressed memories in my inner and extended hipiocracy, I had an great aunt (allice mcauliffe) and great uncle (Hugh Judge McAuiliffe) whom I have written about before who never married.


I remember one of my first times drinking alone and something bad that happened to myself, I remember being taken advantage of not watching my drink, being forced to withdraw cash, in a bar I find disgusting and soon gladly will be closing My transsexual neighbor whom I disgust hangs in there to pickup business whom has been missing for almost a week now. And I am becoming very worried about, I last saw her a week ago, walking the streets near westhi8emer and taft.


When I can not sleep, I urn and have learned and discovered more about myself. I need rest I need to be in bed early, I need to take care of myself, and do what's right and corrent for me. I need to start working, I have to be selfish to aqurie what is right for me and me alone. I know where I want to go, I know that transition is for me, with out a doubt. I know I was happier not just due to the drinking but when I lived and traveled as myself for a year even when I did not drink. I know I am a good, kind, caring person. But transiotn is hard and I intend as they speak of in the beginning to go to any leights other than drinking, drugs or the sex trade or trafficking to archive my goals though honest, legal means I know it is a rough bumpy road, but it is hard to reach it, but I have to be selfish to be who and what it is for me.



I remember much about myself, the past and life along. I remember bad choices, after more and more bad choices and being selfish to others, and burning out my brain with drinking and drugs. And poor choices..



I know I want to be honest, and get the help I require, and desire. I know I want to let go of the past, quit spinning round and round like a record. I know I want to let go of past transgressions and hope some can forgive me. I know I want to get better. I know life is unknown but the alaterive of not transitioning, and gender reassignment and continuing hormones and doing things right and remaining sober is suicide and death, and I have chosen life and enlightenment for growth.


I am scared yes, I don't want to go the path, but I know I must. I hit and muster near bottom and want to grow more and more and continue to find faith, I don't like the fact that people are afraid of me or the drunk me, or the me that is unstable like a time-bomb or bad me. I don't like that me, I am afraid to let go of that old, nasty, hateful over-judgmental, selfish, impulsive, dishonest, person because that's how I learned to accept myself.


I am in much agony not living as myself, but I am in much agony learning to function in soberity. I am sacred and alone, and while not to bitch about what I did to myself, I must be totally honest, loyal and continue to grow into enlightenment of myself and sprout the seed, for everything is easier to get into than out of.









--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

My day and night and birth of myself again


10/25/07



Today I discovered myself and what I must do. I know I must already do it already. So the question is not when, if and why. But why not and get off my ass. And just do it already and bitch less.


In other news, I slept semi Ok, jennifer didnt call me back last night, talked to brandi early this am. And watched a sunrise this morning. Took s a shower, did some laundry, and took care of affairs in order.


I have affars to get my house in order soon this week. I suspect my neighbour came home recently and the papers are removed or what-not. In other news, I acttuly slept good recently and ate semi ok. I started fasting again for spirtual and emonitonal growth in myself.


I dreamed last night something a bit wrong and bad. I also dreamed of family, friends and loved ones and better days from the past. I started packing up old memoies and bad choices. And might start walking around more.



I have been thinking of something else, and something about my family, friends and love ones I miss dearly shareing my life with and disfunctional upbringing . And the future and what I must do for myself.



Ive accepted mental defeat for myself, and decied to grow and proesper. I would want to grow or die trying and sober. Nancy didnt answer her phone yesterday nor did nick blah.


I also went to a meeting brielf and was in bed before 9'oclock last night which is an very big spirtual growth of myself.








--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

my greatful day and self reflctions

10/24/07




I'm hurting inside today, I know I am a wonderful and amazing person. Just the pain builds. Bady but to boot my moral per my sponsor, yesterday I went to 2 meetings, and have been to a meeting 3 meetings in 2 days per my sponsors request.


I need to compose something to be grateful for. I am grateful that I have hot water, my neighbor I am really worried sick about I wish if she went out of town had said something, I talked to an acquaintance, and that is a gay rm from the lds church. Ironical enough a bishop goes into the porn shop, and another person I know a mission president sometimes is spotted in the Hollywood super center another time I sported him at smooches. Its not my cup of tea I was at smooches delivering pizza, the super cent I eat or drink coffee next door.



I actually have high standards sexually even though I have lowered them ona rare occasions. I also found out that the nasty ass hustle bar is closeting and its going to be a parking lot cusions is closing in February. I saw my neighbor looking like she may have gone and walked the streets. I wonder if she, got picked up in a vice bust, given she goes over there, or got arrested or worse. The news papers are stacking up and as much as I don't like her, we have a lot in common, I was bad with fear and intimation and make a lousy terrorist sober, she does the sex thing.



Regardless, I have to make my list of grateful, I am grateful I mad e few friends, even though I am a private laid back shy person, I like to go to coffee shops to people watch. I also found out I am grateful for well life and freedom, and well more honesty. And working to better myself.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)